In These Rooms, I heard Timothy, a 38-year-old white diabetic on dialysis, hospice chaplain, alcoholic and cocaine user in need of a kidney transplant, say “…’If’ we had cancer and were told showing up here every day would help, who in here right now wouldn’t be in here every day?” Right. That’s why he says he shows up every day. Regarding the power of ‘If,’
“…’If’ my aunt had a dick, she’d be my uncle, right…”
Yalie
We attach so much power to the two-letter preposition ‘If’. In These Rooms, “If” often means “If only.” I hear people say shit like” … ‘If’ the cop hadn’t stopped me, then I wouldn’t have gotten that DWI…” Or “…’If’ the the bar closed at midnight instead of 2:00am, then it would have been closed when I got there and I would never have been drinking that night…” There’s a saying on the street that indicates when a lie is being told: “…What had happened was…” “What had happened was…” is one big f..king ‘If only’ on steroids.
“I was caught stealing from my grandmother’s home and business. Caught red-handed with the money from the tavern cashbox in my pocket. My running buddies were in the car ready to hit it when Sarge, my grandmother’s husband, rolled up on us. I was in the bathroom getting the cash out of the cashbox under the sink when there was this loud banging on the door and this thundering voice, “…come out of there God-damnit. I know what the fuck you’re doing in there. Get out here now damn it…” This happened. There is no ‘If’ on this earth powerful enough to change that. No ‘If’ can change the fear I felt in that moment. No ‘If’ can change the shame I felt when I had to stand before my family and admit what I had done, apologize and ask for forgiveness. There is no fucking ‘If’ powerful enough to change any of this shit…”
Fr. Esteban
“…Hell no, nothing can change our past. Yep, shit has and does happen. I was sexually molested while in Seminary. This abusive relationship went on for 14 years before I found the courage to leave that world. I can’t change that or the past. Today, I am crawling back from that hell. I’m no longer trying to change it; today I embrace it. ‘If’ I embrace it, maybe I can use it for good. No, I can’t change the shit of my past. But ‘If’ I can embrace it, maybe there is someone who can find strength from my journey back from the shame of this hell. ‘If’ I embrace it, maybe I will one day be able to transform the deep pain I feel into a cause for celebration on the inside instead of masking it thru my laughter on the outside. Yea, I was molested but I can still dream ‘If’ I can keep moving forward despite my past…“
Yalie
“…Transformation is coming to accept, appreciate, and even love your inner characters and where they have carried the man or woman in the mirror despite your past…”
The Professor
Will Yalie’s growing perspective on her past ever cause her aunt to grow a dick and suddenly become her uncle? Hell no. Will coming In These Rooms help with cancer? Doubtful. But these are our damn stories. ‘If’ only we can stick to them.
Read more about Yalie, Fr. Esteban and the Professor and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #IfMatters
The Struggle Continues….
