Jack is a 45-year-old former physician who lost his license to practice medicine after receiving his 3rd DWI, being convicted of selling prescription narcotics on the side, and doing a 5-year prison sentence for possession with intent to distribute. His wife of fifteen years divorced him and he can only have supervised custodial visits with his two little girls ages 10 and 12. Jack’s share In These Rooms this evening was that “…I used to have difficulty with Forgiveness. That was until I learned it’s not just about forgiving others but also the beauty of forgiving myself and the acceptance of life’s forgiveness…”
“…Forgiveness has not come easy for me but neither does laughter and I want and need both. I’ve had difficulty forgiving myself for the shit I’ve done in the past and the shit that has been done to me. I’ve hated myself for the mistakes I’ve made. I feel ugly on the inside for the shit I’ve done. But the funny part is I still love me some me. I feel beautiful on the inside when I find the capacity to laugh at the people, places and things that think they have the power to keep me feeling and thinking the way I’ve felt in the past. I feel beautiful and find the laughter in that shit because it’s funny how people think they have power over me other than the power I give them. It took the deleterious impact of choosing to be in a sexually abusive relationship of molestation to teach me this truth and to find the laughter in the futile attempts of others to keep me down and downcast. My Forgiveness is found in embracing the understanding that “…If you free your mind, your ass will follow…”
Yalie
“…Forgiveness is a great gift of life. Forgiveness is something wonderful to receive and wonderful to give away. I look on my academic success and think of forgiveness. How does a high school reject go on to graduate from an Ivy League University? Forgiveness. How do I find the capacity to love and appreciate people who don’t look like me, are not educated like me, don’t think like me and maybe don’t even like me? Forgiveness. I place a lot of emphasis on the power of the mind and the importance of intellectual pursuits. Achievements in this area might not have anything to do with forgiveness for most. This occurs differently to me. I believe Forgiveness is a mental health process. I believe Forgiveness is a mental and creative process that is a beautiful flower that blossoms from experience and imagining a better life for oneself, and sometimes others, more than a life filled with anger, bitterness, resentments, shame, hatred and possibly despair. I believe Forgiveness is a great feeling but I believe it can, and often does for me, begin creatively in my mind, memories and my imagining a different and better life for myself and I hope others…”
The Professor
“…Over my head, I see Jordan…” The line from that song comes to me when I think about Forgiveness. It’s something I want and seek but it seems off in the distance, almost like another world or a world away. I‘ve seen it and felt it, needed it, but that shit like life just don’t last. I like to feel I have the capacity to forgive. I’ve tried to forgive. I feel weak forgiving and feel even worse asking or seeking forgiveness but aspire to embrace forgiveness. I feel forgiveness is like hope. I don’t really enjoy living with it but I also don’t like to the thought of living in a world without forgiveness. I admittedly have work to do in this area. This is one of my life struggles that will by the grace of God no doubt, pun intended, fucking continue…”
Hunter
Step 7 of the Big Book In These Rooms says “…humbly asked this Higher Power to remove our shortcomings…”
I believe Forgiveness and acceptance are two sides of the same coin. I believe the lack of personal acceptance is why I’ve had difficulty with Forgiveness. I find it difficult if not impossible to forgive others because of what I perceive to be absent or flawed in me.
I like the concept, the notion of Forgiveness, but also find it challenging at best if not impossible to give what I don’t have. Right now, I’m focused on getting my inner character self-acceptance shit together. I’m focused on knowing what it means to accept, forgive and even love myself for where I’ve been, what has happened to me in the past and who I am. I’m holding out hope that one day a more outwardly accepting and forgiving Me will emerge. Getting honest here is a part of this story. Maybe I am hoping against hope; I don’t fucking know. Maybe Forgiveness for me is in another time, another place, another world. I don’t believe it will happen until I learn inner acceptance. This is and must be my focus in this moment. Like it was said previously, when it comes to the subject of Forgiveness, “…Over my head, I see Jordan…”
Read more about Yalie, the Professor, X and Hunter and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #ForgivenessMatter
The Struggle Continues….
