In These Rooms Blog

I’m sitting in the barber’s chair New Year’s Eve morning when clips from the life of Bill Cosby flash on the TV Screen. What a tragedy. All that comedic, television and movie success burned to the ground because of Cosby’s failure to deal with his demons. All that personal, professional and social wreckage because of his refusal to acknowledge and get help for a haunting life of lies, denial and grotesque misdeeds. What a tremendous fall from grace.

“…This was highly predictable. We can run but we can’t hide from our shit. That which is done in the dark, that shit will be made known in the light…”

Hunter

In These Rooms, I’m listening as AJ, a 27-year-old African American brother, alcoholic and meth and cocaine dealer on the down low, talks about growing up in this perfect family like the Huxtable’s on TV. He said “…people in my family were like the Huxtables. My dad is a physician like Dr. Cliff Huxtable and my mother is a Lawyer like Clair Huxtable…” AJ said when his father realized he was an alcoholic, he repudiated him, “…you’re nothing but a common drunk just like your grandfather was…” So much for that Huxtable Family Shit.

Then this cat Brian, a 35-year-old father of two small children, bi-polar schoolteacher with a cocaine addiction and love for massage parlors, ala Deshaun Watson (but I digress) says, “…I’m cussing people out at the pharmacy for screwing up my medicine when ‘Bad Brian’ is moved to apologize to ‘Good Brian’ …” I think damn, there must be a ‘Bad Bill Cosby’ and a ‘Good Bill Cosby’ aka Heathcliff Huxtable.

Maria is a thirty-one-year-old alcoholic woman who is twice divorced with two kids. When the shit in the life of a twice-divorced mother living on minimum wage trying to raise two children, with an asshole ex-husband (her emphasis not mine) who chooses to cuss her out instead of helping her tells her what a lowlife bitch she is, when that shit hits the proverbial fan, Maria has learned from working her program:

“…Your opinion of me is none of my damn business…”

In These Rooms Maria

I’m not going out not owning my demons but instead embracing the fact:

“…we are all fallen, flawed and fallible. We all have our demons. We all put our pants on one leg at a time. Most of us sit down to shit and we all have gangster proclivities. No one is better than anyone else for everybody has shit going on and the ground is level at the foot of the cross. We are all trying to get home the best fucking way we know how…”

Hunter

I’m glad I ain’t going out like Heathcliff Huxtable or Bill Cosby. But hell, it’s only taken my black ass 62 damn years to get here.

Read more about Hunter and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #OurShitMatters 

The Struggle Continues…

“…Pray for me don’t play with me. I’m from the Southside of the Kingdom…”

Rosie from In These Rooms

These words were part of Rosie’s share In These Rooms. Rosie is an alcoholic 38-year-old Hispanic woman who did 13 years in the joint for drug dealing and other criminal activities. Her greatest desire is to overcome her past, the years lost dealing and using drugs and not giving a shit and, most importantly, to “…become a lady instead of this thug…” Or, I would add, Rosie just wants to see herself as more than a flawed worthless ex-con from the hood.

“…Raised in the predominantly white neighborhoods on the so-called better damn side of town, the kids called me nigger so much I thought that shit it was my middle name. I ran with other privileged white and black youth who did the same shit: drugs, theft, sex. I grew up feeling insecure, with a debilitating sense of unworthiness just as any kid from the hood might despite the privileged neighborhood. Fuck it, you name it and I did it, often escaping the consequences of my actions, because my people had connections and resources, or so I thought. I am here to tell you the grass ain’t any fucking greener on the north, west, east or south sides of town. What matters is who is or ain’t there to fuck it up…”

Fr. Esteban

I was taking a first semester ethics course at the Yale Divinity School. In a conversation with the Professor, I expressed my calling to ministry was a way to make amends for my past transgressions. I thought for years the weight I labored under was caused by my past sins. Like Rosie who feels deeply flawed and ashamed of where she is from, what she has been and done, I was ashamed of where I was from and my past. I had yet to embrace the gifts of my past or my faults. Like Rosie, I didn’t know anything about being a badass who’s becoming more fully human and beautiful.

Yalie

“…Don’t judge a man by his accomplishments; judge him by how high he’s had to climb…”

Booker T. Washington

Today, I’m growing as a badass from the Southside of The Kingdom. I can see myself for who and what I am:

“…We are all fallen, flawed and fallible. We all have our demons. We all put our pants on one leg at a time. Most of us sit down to shit and we all have gangster proclivities. No one is better than anyone else for everybody has some shit going on and the ground is level at the foot of the cross. We are all trying to get home the best fucking way we know how…”

Hunter

Pray for me too. I’m not yet what I’m going to be but I’m more than I used to be. I’m learning to forgive, live with and love my better self. I’m a work in progress but I’m glad I’ve found the strength to do this work. 

I know my Higher Power can “…make a straight lick with this crooked stick…” Because of that, I’m proud to be a badass becoming more beautiful. I’m proud to also be from the Southside of The Kingdom. 

Read more about Fr. Esteban, Yalie, and Hunter and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #KingdomSouthsideMatters 

The Struggle Continues…

In These Rooms today, I’m enjoying people telling stories about their journeys with addiction. I love listening to good stories, especially those about their triumphs. But sometimes I wanna say to people,  “Tell your story and shut the fuck up.” Admittedly, I am not a people person. Though, I did have one of the people In These Rooms pay me a great compliment when I told her I was a COVID-19 survivor. She said “…Damn. How you get COVID? You don’t even like people…” Real Talk.

I find people telling their stories, and I hope their authentic lived truth, is one thing. In These Rooms, it’s called an individual’s experience, strength and hope. I’m good with that. We can all learn from the experiences of others and don’t always have to learn at the University of Hard Knocks. But, as for the people pontificating and lecturing others, give me a F-ing break. Ain’t nobody In These Rooms because their ass was on a damn Winning Streak. Real Talk.

“… I hear folks In These Rooms talking but their inner fucking addict is out in the parking lot telling a different story about their ass. Instead of sitting in here pontificating, take your ass outside and talk that shit to them. That’s the shit I’m interested in seeing and hearing. Real Talk…” 

Fr. Esteban

“…I hear people In These Rooms talking but the hypocritical people in my life, like the degenerate priest who molested me, have shown me how cheap talk is. I heard a man say, “… the AA Big Book is a 5th Generation Tradition in my family; it’s passed from one generation to another…” And that’s a program that works? Yea right… and they say I’m a fucking comedian. Real Talk…”

Yalie

“…. I come to these rooms to hear something and learn something for my people. People In These Rooms have a lot of nice sounding words. But I’m listening for stories that lead to action that transforms people’s lives at the street-level. I know people, and have the scars to prove it, who‘ve talked a lot of shit to my face and then stabbed my ass in the damn back. These people talk about the man and the shit the white man is doing to us while they undermine our people and our community. We need to hear from more thought leaders and fewer race hustlers. I’m listening for them stories that end in empowerment and transformation not that communal and personal betrayal bullshit. Real Talk…”

X

I’m interested in stories that inspire people to create the world they want instead of stories that cut badasses out and draw others in as the heroes. Give me stories of people evolving in spite of their struggles.

“…Yea, tell your story. But I ain’t trying to hear that peanut gallery pontification shit. I don’t need to be lectured by circus and clown car folk who ain’t doing any fucking better than me. Real Talk…”

Hunter

Read more about Yalie, Fr. Esteban, X and Hunter and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #RealTalkMatters

The Struggle Continues….

In These Rooms, I often see a sign over the door or on the wall with the words “…We Understand...” That’s a crock of shit I thought. Yes, I get everyone in here has an addiction problem. Everybody in here is in search of a solution to their addiction issues. Most importantly, everybody in here has a story to tell.

But that understanding shit ends there. Alcohol never called me a nigger but some of y’all have. Alcohol ain’t leaving here headed to no damn Klan meeting, I mean Trump rally, but some of y’all are. Alcohol hasn’t lived a day in this life being a Blackman in America with a drinking problem and neither have most of the people I encounter In These Rooms. So, tell me, what exactly is it that y’all fucking understand?

In These Rooms this morning, I’m listening to the leader talk about his relationship with one of his former sponsees. He describes this cat named Tommie. As he is describing Tommie, he states that Tommie is a big dude, and according to him, Tommie is gay but Tommie is surprised when he learns that everyone knows “…he is a Big Queen…” At this point, I must resist the urge to offer the following opinion “…since you obviously ain’t woke, let me educate you on something. By your demeanor and insensitive comments, you’re clearly not a part of the LGBTQ community. Your use of the words like Queen, Fag or Queer are offensive since you have no standing to use those terms, and as an Africa-American, I just heard you use the term nigger. It’s the same damn thing. There’s a big sign over there that says We Understand. I guess your so-called understanding doesn’t include not being racist, sexist and homophobic…”

Yea, I objected to the notion that anybody could understand my shit that hasn’t walked with me on this journey or a mile in my shoes. That was my first inclination. Then, I remembered:

“…We are all fallen, flawed and fallible. We all have our demons. We all put our pants on one leg at a time. Most of us sit down to shit and we all have gangster proclivities. No one is better than anyone else for everybody has some shit going on and the ground is level at the foot of the cross. We are all trying to get home the best fucking way we know how…”

Hunter

I realized my objection wasn’t with the idea that anybody could understand my shit without walking in my shoes. My real objection was I am a badass becoming more fully human in a room full of people seeking to go from bad to good and sick to well. Or, as I heard somebody say “…I’m a dick in a room full of assholes…”

Samuel L. Jackson is one my favorite actors and heroes. I heard him say in a 60 Minutes Interview he plays roles and characters in movies not the way they are written nor necessarily the way he is directed. He says he plays the role so that, when the movie is over, the people leaving the theater will say of his character “…I don’t know where he’s going, but I’m going with him…”

I’m not In These Rooms seeking to be understood. I’m In These Rooms and working my program so, that when I leave, people say “…fucked up or not I wanna go with him…” If you can’t get with or roll with that, how in the hell can you claim We Understand? So no, I’m not about going from good to bad nor sick to well. The transformation I’m In These Rooms seeking is a badass becoming more beautiful. That’s my story and I’m sticking the fuck to it.

Read more about Hunter and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #AuthenticUnderstandingMatters 

The Struggle Continues…

I have anger management issues. I create stories because it’s good for me. I create stories so that I will no longer feel compelled to go around cussing people out. No longer, you’re damn right, means I have in the past. Creating stories to deal with shit is cool and I recommend it if, like me, you too have problems with anger management. But there’s some other stories in this blog I want to talk about. I call this shit Real Talk.

I was visiting one of our work sites for the first time since contracting COVID-19. Who should I meet upon arriving at the site but the man who gave us this business in the first place? Come to find out, he is also a COVID-19 survivor. He has gone to bat for our company to keep this contract, no fault of our own, on more than one occasion. Though his superiors have other ideas, he reminded them of the sacrifices we made to help save their asses when COVID was raging thru Houston. I told him I remember we wouldn’t have the damn contract if it were not for him. Real Talk. 

I just left another site. I went there to talk with management about getting someone else in there to do the work because the subcontractor on this project had gone AWOL. Come to find out, this asshole had stolen the contract out from under us. I immediately called Lucy, my recovery partner in crime, and explained what was going down. She said I must be livid. I said no, but I was mad as hell and got even madder over the next 48hrs. Remember, anger management issues. That was until my recovery sponsor, Dr. JJ, reminded me who I was and whose I was. Like the good church folk say, as a COVID-19 survivor, “…I am too blessed to be stressed…” I knew that sub was a snake when I picked him up. Besides, I’ll sue his dumb ass soon enough. Real Talk. 

I left there and went to yet another site. A brother who was exiting the building, as I was coming in, walked up to me and said “…the Lord told me to give you this coin.” I took it, thanked him and proceeded to walk away. As I walked away, I took a minute to look at it closely. It said on one side “…thousands died for my freedom; one died for my soul…” Dying for my freedom is cool but I thank my Heavenly Father for The One who died for my soul. What a F’ing day. Real Talk.

“…Today, I still cuss folks out, and I’m still gonna sue that asshole. But, when I do, I do it in Jesus’ Name. Real Talk…”

Fr. Esteban

Read more about Fr. Esteban, the stories in ‘Tales from the Wreckage: The Beginning’ and tell your story. Listen to our Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #RealTalkMatters

Struggle Continues…

This is a simple blog. It’s about the delusional Shit People In These Rooms Believe.

Delusion 1

“…I am what I have…”

I was part of a homeless church ministry that developed affordable housing to get people off the street. I noticed as part of this work there seem to be tension between people who were still on the street and those who had were now living in the affordable units we built—they had little or no communication. I inquired of one of the team what this apparent tension was about?

He explained to me that, as a norm, the people who are living in the units don’t communicate or associate with people on the street because they look down on them; the housed group feels they are better than those still on the street. The people on the street don’t communicate or associate with people in the units because they see them as sellouts. This is Delusion 1, defining self and others by material things.

Delusion 2

“… I am what I’ve done...”

Many people In These Rooms believe life is about the journey from bad to good or from sick to well. For them, it’s all about the shit we’ve done.

“…The real difference between telling what happened and telling a story about what happened is that instead of being a victim of our past, we become a master of it….We can’t change our past, but we can change where we stand when we look at it…”

Donald Davis

“…In Delusion 2, life is about what we‘ve done instead of dealing with who the fuck we truly are…”

Hunter

Delusion 3

I am who He says I am and I’ll be who He says I’ll be.

The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was once asked how he found the strength to keep going in the face of harsh criticism, relentless injustices and constant death threats. King said “… the person who doesn’t know the joy of finding something in life so dear and so precious they are willing to die for it if necessary isn’t living. They’re only existing…”

Believing I am who He says I am and I’ll be who He says I’ll be is finding that joy. What if this belief isn’t a Delusion but the truth? Who’s to say what we always wanted to be and become isn’t closer than we think?

“…Prayer is when I talk to God. Meditation is when I shut the fuck up and listen…”

Unknown

“…An empowering step in transformation is when we stop placing expectations on other people, places and things and instead place them on our inner characters…”

The Professor

Read more about Hunter and the Professor and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #ShitPeopleBelieveMatters  

The Struggle Continues…

“… Life is a grand stage and we are all Actors…”

Shakespeare

I can roll with Shakespeare in his thinking here. We all have our characters and our demons, and we all play roles. Kathleen, my life partner, and I were having a conversation this morning about my issues with alcohol. Kathleen shared with me that a friend of hers, Sarah, is the child of alcoholics. Sarah told Kathleen one of the effects of being the child of alcoholics is “…you see the world in black and white, in extremes…” Kathleen said to me “… I think this applies to you. You see the world in blacks and whites…” I thought about it. Yes, I am the son of an alcoholic and the grandson of an alcoholic. I agreed I saw things that way, but it never occurred to me this fact might have something to do with why I see the world in black and white. I never thought this might be the source of me as an Actor.

I was a freshly minted Episcopal Priest in 1986. I was serving as a Curate, assistant, at a predominantly black episcopal church in Harlem, NY. I had been there about nine months when the Rector, head pastor, made a comment during a meeting that stunned me to my core. At the time, I was engaged and my fiancée who lived in DC use to travel occasionally on weekends to spend time with me in NY. The Rector’s comment was “… I’ve been working with you for almost a year now and I feel like I hardly even know you. Angel (my fiancée at the time) comes thru on occasion and I feel I know her better than I know you…” Busted.  My Actor had been outed. But did anything change? (HTTFN).

Awareness alone, or so-called being woke, doesn’t change a damn thing. I doubt I will ever stop acting. Admittedly, I’m one of those people who doesn’t give a damn until I do. I have an Actor who wants to control the show; sometimes he is a good guy, sometimes he’s the bad guy but he always acting and determined to be in control.

The story is told of young Native American Warrior Cub who was completing the last leg of his warrior training. He was reminded, as he headed into the woods on the top of a mountain in which he had to spend the night alone and then descend the mountain and return to the Warrior Camp, never to talk to or having any dealings with the ‘talking snakes.’ It was winter and cold on top of that snow covered mountain and he was certain he would be presented with many challenges even though this was but for one night. As fate would have it, as he was heading down the mountain, he encountered the evil, deadly and disastrous snake he was often warned about. It was lying in the snow. The young Warrior Cub picked the snake up and put it in his coat so that it would not freeze on the mountain. The snake promised to do the Warrior Cub no harm. Upon reaching the bottom of the mountain the next day, he reached in his jacket to pull out the snake and place it on the ground, whereupon the snake bit the young Warrior Cup. The young cub asked “…questioned why? How could he do this? He promised…” 

As the young Warrior Cub fell to the ground dying, the snaked crawled over to him and said “…How could I? You knew who and what I was when you picked me up…”

I want to suggest this young Warrior Cub didn’t just succumb to the snake because he failed to heed the warnings he was given regarding snakes. I believe what got the best of him was feeling the need to Act Heroic. Being human ain’t not acting. The protagonist we celebrate today is but the old inner antagonist Actor of yesterday telling A New Story!

Read more about these stories in ‘Tales from the Wreckage: The Beginning’ and tell your story. Listen to our Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #TheActorMatters

Struggle Continues…

I was returning a pair of sneakers purchased during the holidays to a sporting goods store called Finish Line. The attendant at the register requested my phone number for the return. I said “No.” You didn’t need my phone number to sell me the shoes, so you don’t need it to return my money either…” He sought to explain he needed it to create an account profile that included my phone number to refund my purchase. I repeated my “No” whereupon he requested his manager. When she came over espousing the same party line, I repeated my “N” but this time with a question: Which one are y’all having a problem with, the N or the O?

We live in a world of Creeping Competitive Authoritarianism. No less an authority than Webster describes Competitive Authoritarianism as “… A regime that is democratic in appearance but authoritarian in nature or a civilian regime in which democratic institutions exist in form but not in substance because the electoral, legislative, judicial, media, and other institutions are so heavily skewed in favor of current power holders…” When our No isn’t sufficient or our Yes is unacceptable, we are dealing with Creeping Competitive Authoritarianism.

I deal with people In These Rooms every day that suffer from the effects of Creeping Competitive Authoritarianism. They see themselves as bad people needing to become good or sick people to needing to get well. Me, I am a badass becoming a more beautiful child of the Most High God every day. I categorically refuse to accept any authoritarianism or anybody that makes me in anyway feel less than or does not accept my No as no or my Yes as yes.

“…We are all fallen, flawed and fallible. We all have our demons. We all put our pants on one leg at a time. Most of us sit down to shit and we all have gangster proclivities. No one is better than anyone else for everybody has some shit going on and the ground is level at the foot of the cross. We are all trying to get home the best fucking way we know how…” 

Hunter

In the biblical book of Genesis, there is exchange between the biblical character Adam and his God.

“…Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?” He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.”11 And he said, “Who told you that you were naked?”

Genesis 3:9-12 | NIV

When I hear people In These Rooms describe themselves as a “…selfish, dishonest piece of shit…,” I want to ask them, who told you or taught you that? What authority told you that you were anything other than a beautiful child of God? That is the voice of that damn Creeping Authoritarianism BS. Unfortunately, sometimes that voice is in our own damn heads. BTW, I got my refund without giving up my phone number. Just saying…

Read more about Hunter and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #CompetitiveAuthoritarianismMatters  

The Struggle Continues…

Last blog, I used the term ‘Authentic Lived Truth.’ What the hell is ‘Authentic Lived Truth’? I hear a lot In These Rooms of what my mother called “…the God’s honest truth…” People copping to shit like somebody was passing out twenty-dollar bills for every past transgression they confess. But ‘Authentic Lived Truth’ is about more than diarrhea of the mouth copping to shit. It means more than that; it’s deeper than that.

I’m sitting In These Rooms today, I’m listening to this lady go on and on about one thing after another and blah, blah, blah. Then, after about 5 minutes, she has the nerve to utter “…what I’m getting at…” Really. ‘Authentic Lived Truth’ is not just about what you did or do. More importantly, it goes to the heart of who and what we really are not who we say we are. Given half a chance, I believe many In These Rooms would claim as the legendary comedian Flip Wilson use to say, “…the devil made me do it…”That isn’t ‘Authentic Lived Truth.’ Or is it?

“…We are all fallen, flawed and fallible. We all have our demons….”

Hunter

In a recent conversation, my life partner told me I was brave for declaring “…put your big boy pants on; death threats come with assuming the mantle of leadership in our highly charged political culture…” Not really. But it does come with embracing ‘Authentic Lived Truth’…

I received the following note in response to my recently published eBook—Tales from the Wreckage: The Beginning 

“…SOOO I haven’t even finished the reading yet, but I had to stop midway and say I am extremely proud and happy for you to be taking this necessary journey. I was just speaking with someone the other day about how so many of us are the same; the difference is some of us got caught for our crimes and others didn’t, but we are all guilty in 1 form or fashion. I think you are going to uncover and discuss many of the things that people try to shy away from or consider taboo and I commend you. Good luck and continue to be brave…” 

This lady is truly being kind. I’m doing what I must. Given how I’ve been blessed, how could I not? That’s my ‘Authentic Lived Truth.’

Marshal was asked in a recent meeting “Marshall, do you want to be right or be happy?” He responded, “…I want to be right because being right always makes me happy…” Now, that’s some damn ‘Authentic Lived Truth!’

Read more about Hunter and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, AuthenticLivedTruthMatters

The Struggle Continues…

The question on the table In These Rooms today was “…How Big is Your God?” Wowser.

“…I recall hearing a speaker at a church conference, full of ministers where this cat had just spent more than hour trashing the faith of everybody in the room by asserting their whole damn faith was in vain and a f..king fraud because Jesus, the Risen Christ at the center of their faith, never rose from the dead and that the whole Christian Faith was the perpetuation of a fraud, and after this hour of faith smashing, this speaker had the nerve to ask were there any questions? This old but obviously intelligent preacher rose to raise his question while eating an apple “…Sir, was the apple I just ate bitter or sweet?” The speaker, who had just finished the faith trashing, responded, after pausing for several minutes to ponder his answer, “…I can’t possibly answer that question. I didn’t taste it…” Upon hearing that, this distinguished old minister said “…that’s what I want you to know about my Jesus. You have to Taste and See…”

The Hunter

I was slow to understand How Big my God Is or to Taste and See when I entered the Yale Divinity School. I was sharing with my ethics professor, Dr. Charles Brown, how my calling to ministry would allow me to make amends for the shit from my past. I can still hear his response “…Negro, that’s what Jesus did on the Cross…” Right. 

“…I had to Taste and See How Big He Is when I was facing a Grand Theft Auto rap out of West Palm Beach FL. He got this cat who was a brother from another mother to spring me from the county on my own damn recognizance until trial. Shit. Thanks Bro. Then, though they seemingly had my ass dead to rights, caught in the damn rental car months after it’s due date for return, my God used a sorry ass Public Defender at trial to have my black ass walk away from that shit on a technicality free as a damn bird…”

Fr. Esteban 

“…You don’t what you have in Jesus until Jesus is all you have…”

Mother Teresa

“…Yesterday, I walked away from the damn Acura Dealership with a brand spanking new 2020 MDX. I have no credit to fucking speak of and yet, with the help of my partner in crime Lucy, I was able to purchase this vehicle in an 80% cash transaction. Ain’t that some shit? Buying a car and nearly paying cash for it may not be a Big fucking Deal to most folk. But, when you have no damn credit but and a rap sheet on Grand Theft Auto Charges across 5 States, completing a purchase like this shit, hell yea that’s a Big fucking Deal. You damn right; I know how big my Higher Power is…”

Fr. Esteban

I’ve had opportunities again and again on this 61-year journey to learn How Big my God Is. I’ve learned the hard way He Is often more than I can smell, feel, or touch. I just had to Taste and See. 

Read more about Hunter, Fr. Esteban and tell your story. Listen to the Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. 

The Struggle Continues…