In These Rooms this morning, we heard from Nancy. Nancy is a 37-year-old mother of three little girls ages 7, 11 and 13. She is a nurse. Nancy’s husband was killed 5 years ago by a drunk driver. She recently left a 45-day detox program after receiving her 3rd DWI in the last two years. The state is threatening to take her girls from her for child endangerment because they were in the car when she received her last two DWIs and she is also in danger of losing her nursing certificate because her last DWI had her involuntarily committed to the detox program by her family. Nancy said In These Rooms “…My Shadow is trying to kill me. My Shadow wants to take me out…”
Nancy’s Shadow is what people In These Rooms describe as her ‘character defects.’ I haven’t fought Nancy’s exact fight but I have struggled with my inner characters. I’ve struggled with seeing these characters as My Shadow or as so-called character defects. Our Shadow(s) are the reason I find it difficult if not impossible to trust people who haven’t found their WHY in life or people who are not on the journey from bondage to success to the freedom found in fulfillment. Today, I choose to see my My Shadow or so-called character defects as badasses becoming more fully human. Why not? They aren’t going anywhere.
“…My Shadow use to be the shame I saw in my past. My Shadow of lies, shame and feelings of unworthiness followed me everywhere I went. These feelings have not only followed me but I carried them and their pain was a burden on my soul. Today, I feel My Shadow is a gift. I feel My Shadow is unique. I’m not the first person to be molested and I won’t be the last. But My Shadow is unique because I now know My Shadow is telling a part of my story but not the whole story. I am unique and My Shadow is a part of the unique story I am telling and now My Shadow like the molestation is part of this story. My Shadow is necessary. If I had never experience being molested, I wouldn’t know how powerful my High Power was and is. My Shadow is extraordinary. Who would have thunk the Shadow of my pain, humiliation and shame about being in a 14-year relationship with the Man who molested me and other shit could be the basis for my humor and laughter in the stories of my past? This is not just about My Shadow it’s about my truth. How awesome is that shit? That’s who my Higher Power is. I wouldn’t know the joy of any of this shit if it weren’t for My rare, necessary and extraordinary Shadow…”
Yalie
“…The topic of the Shadow is a very deep and interesting subject. My Shadow is the part of me I am learning to love, forgive and push to be better. I view My Shadow as my being, giving and doing less than my best. It is not using my head. There is often something disruptive and disconcerting about My Shadow. I have tried over the course of my academic career to move beyond, correct and redirect My Shadow. I have found this challenging at best and sometimes an exercise in futility. My Shadow has not responded well to being placed on time outs (laugh). I see My Shadow like a muscle. I have developed the muscle of My Shadow over time. This muscle is a source of power and strength. This is power and strength I believe I will spend the rest of my life learning to channel and move in positive, uplifting and empowering directions. This is learning to use my mind, heart and imagination and my experience, strength and hope to make a difference in this world. This is life, this is developing this powerful muscle and resource. This is My Shadow…”
The Professor
“…My Shadow is the experiences from my past that haunt me to this day. My Shadow is what I have lived thru and experienced that I can’t let go of. My Shadow is who I am when I am who I am burdens, bullshit and all my blackness. I see My Shadow as all I am standing naked before my God smiling. My Shadow is me, the real me but also not all of me. I’m learning to understand and embrace My Shadow. I’m learning to no longer reject My Shadow. I’m learning I need work and to work on My Shadow.
I am a work in progress like everyone else. I am learning to accept other people and their Shadows because I want people to accept and understand me and My Shadow. With this, my life and My Shadow can make a difference in this world. Power to people and their Shadows set free to make a difference. This is My Shadow…”
X
“…The Shadow is some important stuff Maan. I look at my life and see My Shadow driving me in directions that benefit me but not others too much. My Shadow is me moving on things I want with little regard for the needs and concerns of others. My Shadow is how I have learned to twist life to get, do and have what I want. My Shadow is me manipulating and engineering life to my convenience and desires. I enjoy My Shadow but this Shadow shit has been all consuming and draining. I think I want more for my life than what My Shadow thinks best. The problem is I feel I need to check with My Shadow. That’s the power of My Shadow. It’s an inside job. This shadow shit is some powerful stuff Maan…”
Sean Anderson
Step 11 of the Big Book In These Rooms says sought “…through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with a Higher Power as we understood this Power, praying only for knowledge of the Power’s Will for us and the power to carry that out…”
My Shadow is my characters and my inner demons from my life In The Shadows. These characters developed to help me survive and make it thru the past and are here today to help me find purpose and meaning for my life in the present and the future. I spent years seeing myself and my inner characters, My Shadow(s), as others saw me and them and how life taught me to see myself instead of seeing myself as God sees me. This is the nature of life In The Shadows that produced My Shadow or Shadows. Ps 8:5 says we were “…created a little lower than the angels and crowned with glory and honor (NIV)…” My Shadow is the shit I carry and have carried that causes me to see myself as anything other than or less than a Child of God and badasses becoming more beautiful every day. I know the God who made me don’t make junk. Out from In The Shadows, I see God has given me the gift of My Shadow or Shadows. Out from In The Shadows, I believe the God has given me this gift for this journey called life. Out from In The Shadows, I now understand My Shadow is a gift from God because it’s part of His Love Story for my life. My Shadow is part of the story of how I see God and how I believe God sees and loves me. This is my story and, along with My Shadow, I’m sticking the hell to it.
Read more about Yalie, the Professor, X and Sean Anderson and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #TheShadowsMatter
The Struggle Continues….
