Keith is a 36-year-old divorcée and now openly gay ex-meth dealer with three little girls 6, 8 and 12. His ex-wife is an addict. She is currently doing 15-25 for manslaughter in a drug deal gone bad. Keith is an accomplished hair stylist when he can stay sober. In These Rooms this morning, he shared “…sometimes it feels like my girls are raising me instead of me raising them…I fear what is ahead for my girls but I know life right now ain’t no picnic for them… sometimes the devil you do know is better than the angel you don’t know…”
Keith’s last statement sounds on point when we’re talking about looking forward or towards the unknown but not so much as it relates to the past. His statement doesn’t work when we are troubled by and fear The Haunting memories of our past. Sometimes our fears of the known are as great if not greater the any damn fear of the unknown. This is The Haunting.
“…I fear I will not measure up. I play sports but I fear I’m not as good as the others. I fear I’m not black enough so I must do more to prove I’m black enough. I fear I don’t really fit in anywhere. Black kids think I act white and white kids always call me nigger because I am black. I fear I what will happen if I don’t impress people. I fear the cool people won’t accept me for me so I must have stuff they want to be accepted. I fear being judged. I fear not being liked. I fear being a nobody. I fear what will happen to me if I can get people to like me. I fear I’m not good enough and that others will always have more and be better than me. This is the haunting thinking that troubles my spirit…”
Kirk
“…The Haunting is very real part of human experience. We all have baggage we carry from our past. I believe we all carry the experiences of fear, grief, shame, remorse and regrets about our past. This is part of the human condition; this is part of the human struggle we call life. I know personally that The Haunting is a situation that can be overcome. We were not made to be passive victims to our past. I have struggled to overcome issues with matters arising from my family of origin to problems I address daily caused by people, places and things. I have come to the realization that the Presence of a Higher Power in my life is greater than all these issues, situations, condition’s problems or experiences brought on by the past. I have found in This Presence the strength to face, confront and, with this Presence, be authentic about the struggles, trusting as to the source of my hope, grace and the courage to be vulnerable about the past. I know The Haunting but I am thankful I also know The Presence…”
The Professor
“…The Haunting is real. I have experienced this thing called The Haunting on this journey. As I reflect on my past, The Haunting has appeared to me wearing many faces: shame, fear, guilt, anger, judgement and remorse. The Haunting occurs to me today as characters that are part of my past that I hoped to overcome one day. They aren’t going anywhere but I don’t have to allow them to define me. That is the definition for me of The Haunting: my allowing the characters and shit from my past to haunt me. When I have allowed my past to define me or devalue my life, I have felt The Haunting. I have seen the face of my past Haunting me and heard the voices of the characters that are a part of who I am seeking to be heard in my life thru The Haunting…”
Hunter
Step 2 in the Big Book In These Rooms says “…came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity…”
Like Keith, I know The Haunting experience of my past. I know what it means to look at myself in the mirror every morning and remember my criminal behavior, excessive drinking, promiscuity, mental and emotional abusive tendencies in relationships and a whole bunch of other shit. I know The Haunting experience of replaying over and over in my soul and my spirit the question, ‘Who have I been to do this shit? How and why has my life gone so terribly fucking wrong? What kind of human being am I to have stooped so low to do some of the shit I’ve done and fucking allowed to be done to me?” I have lived with The Haunting experience of trying to outrun my hurts, habits and hang ups. I too have lived with trying to hold my head up after being devalued and devastated on this journey called life by people, places and things. But, In These Rooms, I have come to know the Power and Presence of a God who has shown me I am His Precious Child in spite of all this shit. In These Rooms, I come to know the Power and Presence of one who has taken all my shit and shown me in Him and thru Him I don’t any longer have to see myself as a bad person trying to be good nor do I have to see myself any longer as a sick person trying to get well. I have come to know a Higher Power that is a Precious Presence in my life showing me what it means to be His awesome and badass child daily becoming more fully human and beautiful. This is going from The Haunting to His Presence.
Keith’s fear is focused on what is ahead for him and his girls. Understandable. But I think what is driving him and has his ass In These Rooms is not just the fear of the unknown but the known shit that is haunting him. Many of our known fears are about our struggles with the haunting memories of our past. Haunting memories can be a function of our wrestling with the things that have happened to us in the past but they can also be caused by difficulties and reluctances associated with our unwillingness to critically examine our past decisions and choices. How do we overcome The Haunting memories of our past? Can we achieve that on this side of eternity? I believe, hell Yes. We can make a transformational move and look for the characters that lurk in our past. We can make the transformational move of outing the people, places and things have greatly troubled us in the past or caused us fear. Give them a name. We can make the transformational move of exploring what benefits our haunting memories or fears have added to our life or story in the past. We may not win over our haunting memories or fears on this side of eternity but we sure can begin the process of turning the perceived liabilities of our past into benefits in our future. Who knows? We might even find some gift in some of our haunting fears. Hell, until you can beat it, a least transform it. We might not be able to stop The Haunting memories or fears of our past but we can exercise our option and power to make them shits serve us. This is the move from The Haunting to knowing The Presence. This also the important move in telling our story from passive victim to authentic characters and co-authors. This is when and where The Haunting shit ends.
Read more about Kirk, the Professor, Hunter, and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #TheHauntingMatters
The Struggle Continues….
