Author: Fr. Steven S. Kirk, M.Div

Christian is a 30-year-old white male long distance truck driver. He is married with twin girls age six. He is out of jail on a quarter of a million-dollar bond. He killed his best friend in an accident while intoxicated. He is facing charges for second degree vehicular homicide. Today marks his 30th day in these rooms. He said in his share this evening “…the way that I act daily I don’t know what the fuck I’m gonna do tomorrow. Some days I just don’t give a fuck. Sometimes I feel like if I killed myself I’d be killing a stranger. I’d love to live one day comfortable in my own skin. This program is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. I want to do it but I often feel I Can’t Do This…”

Step 1 of the Big Book In These Rooms states “…we admitted we were powerless over our addiction – that our lives had become unmanageable…”

“…I can’t love and forgive people who have hurt me. I thought carrying grudges was being a man. I thought being mean-spirited was the way to travel but today I can and do better…”

X

“…I can’t forgive or forget the person who molested me I thought. Today, I realize I can, I just don’t want to. Maybe one day I will but it ain’t fucking today…”

Yalie

“…I can’t unilaterally disarm. I can do anything but I fuckin won’t. This is growth for me. I have transformed my can’t (s) to won’t (s). Yep, that’s growth…”

Fr. Esteban

I get where Christian is coming from. If I only had a nickel for all the times I allowed not feeling qualified to determine my life, I’d be a rich man today indeed. I got married even though I wasn’t in love with my ex-wife because I let people make me believe I would be a better pastor if I weren’t so young and single. I couldn’t change my age so I got married. In that moment, this seemed like objective reality and the truth.

In These Rooms, I found a door to the joy and power of purpose. In These Rooms, I found “I Can’t Do This” has been a copout for my living without purpose. Finally, I have come to understand and value the past as experience, strength and hope. Hope from my past, something I have that may be value to others? What a novel fucking idea! Finding purpose, this has allowed me to stop comparing my insides to other people’s outsides and always coming up short. I am beginning a new year, 2022. In the first two weeks of this New Year, I have been a part of two funerals with people I love, consoling a friend whose son was stabbed to death by his wife, experienced with my life partner her 96-year-old mother falling and breaking her hip and have a dear friend who is grieving the loss of the love of her life. I got purpose to bring to the wreckage of and in my life today.

In my copping to the unmanageability in my life, I have moved me from I Can’t Do This to experiencing the AA Promise of Intuitively Knowing Shit, “…we will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us…” I got word yesterday about a large business contract we will probably lose. In the past, without purpose, this would have been a cause for drinking and other shit. Today, I intuitively know better how to handle this situation. Stay tuned. More to come about that shit.

“…I can’t possibly have an empowering story to share given my past. I thought I was a failure and only successful people had anything worth sharing. I do today and it ain’t about success. It’s about fulfillment. I thought I can’t and never thought I would…”

Hunter 

“…I cannot be an intellectual and have compassion. I thought this way for a long time. I thought this way until I realized I can do all things through my Higher Power. Today I can and do. I think is because I have done and I am doing the work of seeking to become all He would have me be and become…”

The Professor

“…I can’t be anything if I don’t have money. I believed this most of my life. I let this belief control my thinking and my life. It controlled me to my core. I am blessed today to know this is not true. I am and can do much more than I ever thought possible with or without money. I thank God today for the awareness and understanding I Can…”

Sean Anderson

Yea, I think I get some of what you’re feeling Christian. I thank God the same Higher Power that has brought me thru my shit can do the same for you. I know today the same Higher Power that delivered me from people, places and things that were bringing my black ass down can do the same for you. The same God that has given me In Spite of Dreams can do the same for you Christian. Because He can do the same for you, I’m here to tell you no matter how far down you’ve gone or how bad shit looks in this moment You Can Do This. With His help, you Will Do This. Word.

Read more about X, Yalie, Fr. Esteban, the Professor, Sean Anderson and Hunter and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #DoingThisMatters 

The Struggle Continues….

Thomas is a 28-year-old Native American Poet. He was recently fired from his 4th artisan gig for showing up intoxicated. It didn’t help his being fired, and after 4 prior firings needing an employment reference, that he taunted and antagonized his former boss in public on the way out the door. “…Of course, this got me fired…” Thomas said. He is awaiting trial for his 2nd DWI in the last 6 months and has been court ordered to this program. In These Rooms this afternoon, Thomas shared “…I have to excise the tumor of this disease I have. I understand this is The Last Place at the end of the block for me. The last 55 days in here have been a blessing. I have to do this program. I gotta get it. I get I’m going to hell from here…”

I’m not sure about this going to hell shit Thomas is talking about. It sounds to me like his ass might already be in hell. What is clear from his share is he’s got the law on his ass. Maybe this will help him to take this shit seriously.

Step 1 of the Big Book In These Rooms states “…we admitted we were powerless over our addiction – that our lives had become unmanageable…”

Thomas began his Step 1 Work this morning. He copped to the real shit that’s up with him. He got real he doesn’t want to be here. John Law has his ass sitting in here. He got real about what time it is for him and where he is on this journey. He got real about being a screwup, not unlike the rest of us In These Rooms, and needing to get direction and purpose for his life. Thomas is saying the right things. The truth is in the eating of the pudding. 

There are two promises in the Big Book In These Rooms that are relevant for The Last Place shit Thomas is talking about that could be empowering for all of us. One of those promises is “…we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it…” 

“…I used to regret the past, Maan. I used to feel I had wasted time chasing material things. I am thankful today that the past has become a door for me to walk into a present and a future greater than I could ever have asked or imagined. I have the opportunity to make a difference today greater than I ever thought. I owe my understanding of this opportunity to the past. I don’t regret it. I understand as part of my life’s work and challenges. I’ve learned to stop regretting the past and to embrace it…” 

Sean Anderson

“…You dam right I ain’t regrettin’ the fuckin’ past. I want them to make that shit as profitable as hell. That’s transformation for me. Gettin’ paid for the shit I been thru, that’s transformation. I ain’t go thru shit for nothing. I ain’t nobody’s fool. I’m about turnin’ regrets into some damn Return On Investment (ROI)…” 

Fr. Esteban

“…I used to regret the past. I used to feel bad about the past and people, places and things of the past. The past used to weigh heavily on my spirit. I used to be consumed by my past more than I ever realized. I understand my past today as my backstory. I don’t get here without the work In These Rooms. I don’t get beyond regretting the past without doing work and the love, support and wisdom of my Higher Power. Thank God…” 

Hunter

The second promise relevant here is “… no matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others…”

“…I thought I would always regret the past. I thought I would take certain memories of the past to the grave…Today, I have found the courage talk about the past. Today, I can own aloud the shit that has happened to me in the past. Today, I don’t regret anything that I’ve been thru. Today, I can see God’s hand even in the experience of being sexually molested. Today, I have put The Last Place thinking in my rear-view mirror…”

Yalie

“…I struggled to find meaning in the past until I accepted there are no guarantees in life. Life is full of conflicts and is conflicted. It’s also true history has shown us anything is possible. I no longer struggle to find meaning in the past because I have found the power in choice. I heard it said the oldest choice known to man is to choose to play the victim. I have the the power to choose to make something of my past instead of playing the victim. I’ve stopped struggling with the past and I am taking active steps to make something new and good of it…”

X

“…The good news Thomas is if you can find the capacity to value the memories of the past, they can be the glue that keeps you going, struggling and moving thru difficult times and situations. Unresolved, and without work, the past is prologue and we are not able to move forward. We are doomed to repeat what we do not complete said the legendary attorney, Johnnie Cochran. Finding value in the valleys of the past, can however be how we keep moving forward. This can be how we help and serve others and learn to walk forward with purpose…”

The Professor

The bad news Thomas is if you don’t keep things moving this might well be that Last Place at the end of the block for your ass. As you said, if you keep this shit up, who’s to say fucking literal hell won’t be next. Your call. But as they say in those bars that are dragging your ass down, “…Last Call…” Or in this case, The Last Place.

Read more about X, Sean Anderson, Yalie, Fr. Esteban, the Professor and Hunter and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #TheLastPlaceMatters 

The Struggle Continues….

Brian is a 35-year-old minister. He shared In These Rooms he has been in and out of these rooms for the past 10 years. He said he’s usually brought back in rooms after getting another DWI or when ordered by the court. He’s had four in the last 10 years. Brian’s doctors told him he would be dead in less than a year if he didn’t stop drinking. Did it make him stop? Nope. He reasoned “…You gotta die from something. I ain’t quitting. I’ll just up my life insurance to make sure my family is cared for and get on with living my bucket list. I told my wife you can get you a young tenderony when I’m gone…” 

Brian is to be commended for his willingness to get real and share with this room full of strangers his authentic lived truth right down to the tenderoni for his wife after he’s gone. I also give him credit for his willingness to look death in the face and refuse to blink. It occurs to me while his Bucket List might be compromised because of his drinking, Brian is on point that we all will go (die) from something and, breaking news, no one is getting out alive. He also seems to be at some modicum of peace with his past. Can the same be said for us?

“…I get Bucket Lists. My Bucket List is about being truly happy. My Bucket List is about my ass doing and being what my Higher Power wants me to do and be. My Bucket List is about living my best life, realizing my Higher Power is everything and everywhere and has a great damn since of humor…” 

Yalie

“…My Bucket List. This shit is simple. Get rich or die tryin. What else is there, really? I don’t intend to leave this earth without makin my mark. This shit takes money. Like Sean Anderson once told me, “…No money no mission…” The Benjamins are at the top of my Bucket List baby. Keeping it 100…” 

Fr. Esteban

“…My Bucket List is why I want to wake up in the morning. My Bucket List is what I want to feel good about when I lay my head down at night. My Bucket List is my legacy. My Bucket List is what it meant for me to be on this earth. I cherish my Bucket List and what it means I did with a life of opportunities to make a difference and be of service to others…” 

The Professor

I said Brian was to be commended for getting real about his authentic lived truth. Step 5 of the Big Book In These Rooms states “… admitted to a Higher Power, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs…”

Brian did this thru his share this morning. But the Bucket List he speaks of occurs to me as the Bucket List from Hell. I define a Bucket List from Hell as what matters to us without the experience of a Higher Power that can “…restore us to sanity…” thru prayer, meditation and our improved conscious contact with Him. A Bucket List from Hell gives us a mere glimpse of the good shit God has for us who “…love Him and are called according to His Purposes. I get where Brian is coming from. I used to live in the graveyard, was afraid of death, called this life and thought I was living. I thought my little hustles and episodic pleasures where living. I was existing. 

I said Brian was on point that none of us is getting out of here alive. This is an indisputable fact but not the fact of the matters. 

While it’s true we have no control over when it’ll be our time to go, where we’ll be when it’s our time to go, how a manner of death will take us or what will officially be determined as our cause of death, we have the power of choice. While it’s true we have no control over any of this, we do have control and the power of choice over the Why of our living and dying. It’s said if God woke us up this morning, it’s because he’s not finished with us here yet and has a purpose for us being here. The question I would pose to Brian is “…do you know what that fucking purpose is? Is any of the shit connected to the purpose for which He woke your ass up this morning on your Bucket List? That shit matters. That shit is important. That’s Why He woke both of our asses up one more time.

You want a Bucket List, Brian? You want a Bucket List that matters and is worth dying for? You want a Bucket List with some purpose? Drop the focus on upping life insurance and tenderonies. Focus on what your family needs more than money and what your wife needs more than younger sexual partners. They need you. 

Your children need a father and your wife needs a husband and a partner. They both need you to be present like you’ve probably never been present before for whatever days, hours or minutes you’ve got left on this fucking earth. From your sharing this morning. you’ve obviously got Step 5 of the Big Book In These Rooms down. What about the other 11 Steps? How about working them? What about a Bucket List of applying the lessons from these steps one day at a time for best interest of your family? How about a Bucket List that shares with world not just the authentic lived truth you shared this morning but also the radically vulnerable story of the journey that has brought you to death’s door? That might be a Bucket List that benefits you and others. What about the blessings of that type of Bucket List for a lost world, Brian? Since none of us is getting out alive, why not do something meaningful and impactful on the way out? How about a Bucket List of in-spite of shit from the past that is meaningful, impactful and will make a difference in this world if only one day at a time? How about that for a Bucket List, Brian?

Read more about Yalie, Fr. Esteban, the Professor and Hunter and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #BucketListsMatters 

There is a song by the legendary African American lyricist and singer Al Green entitled Simply Beautiful:

If I gave you my love,
I tell you what I’d do
I’d expect a whole lot of love out of you

You gotta be good to me
I’m gonna be good to you
There’s a whole lot of things you and I
Could do
Hey hey

Hey hey hey

Simply beautiful, simply beautiful, simply
Beautiful
Simply beautiful, simply beautiful, simply
Beautiful
Simply beautiful [Repeat: x4]

What about the way you love me
And the way you squeeze me
Hey
Hey simply beautiful hey

And you get right down it
And the love is getting you through it

Simply beautiful [Repeats]

Simply Beautiful by Al Green

Dr. Flo from In These Rooms wrote in a recent blog entitled “Thy Will Be Done,”

“…Coming back to the present moment, Dr. Flo took a deep breath, said the serenity prayer, and reminded herself of the mantra that she used to cope when she was in early sobriety from alcohol use – Thy Will Be Done.  As far as Flo could tell, assuming she was not just in a bizarre, alien-like, very unlike herself, hole of denial and feelings suppression, there was only one difference between her experience of this grieving and mourning experience – this “Withdrawal” process – in comparison to all the other times a romantic relationship ended.  In decades past, Flo’s typical process of withdrawal from a romantic relationship (a process Flo was intimately familiar with but thought she was alone in prior to entering Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous) brought her to her knees, resulting in everything from intense suicidal ideation and inability to function at school or work to manically searching for a new person to begin dating to near misses with law enforcement due to property damage…”

I wrote Dr. Flo the following as soon as I finished reading this entire blog,

“…This blog is Simply Beautiful. Thank you for your authentic lived truth, radical vulnerability and trusting in your Higher Power. Thank you for allowing that Power to use you to bless others. ‘Thy Will Be Done’ from Dr. Flo is Simply Beautiful…”

I read this Blog and I was immediately reminded of the Al Green Song “Simply Beautiful.” The lyrics above might give one a taste of the beauty of this song. If you consider yourself a music connoisseur, you don’t want to claim such without listening to this song. But I digress. Was Dr. Flo’s Blog Simply Beautiful because of her pain she shared over losing a love of her life and a joy to her heart? No. Was Dr. Flo’s Blog Simply Beautiful because she disclosed how similar relational breakups are to the grief one experiences at the loss of a loved one? No.

Step 11 of the Big Book In These Rooms states “… sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with a Higher Power as we understood this Power, praying only for knowledge of the Power’s Will for us and the power to carry that out…”

Dr. Flo’s Blog “Thy Will Be Done” is Simply Beautiful because of her honesty in declaring that in depressing situations like relational breakups and death there is the predilection for the alcoholic is to trust in the drink instead of in God or a Higher Power. Dr. Flo’s Blog is Simply Beautiful because she has the courage to share the physical and emotional pain brought on by the sense of loss and sometimes betrayal one feels when the one they love involuntarily and sometimes voluntarily walks the fuck out of your life. In moments such as these, Dr. Flo beautifully reminds us we are confronted with our limited humanity. We ain’t in control of shit. If we want to make it, we are forced to cry out like a baby “…Thy Will Be Done.” Dr. Flo’s Blog is Simply Beautiful because she takes the time to share, from the frontlines of her breakup and loss of this woman God blessed her to love, what drove her to the place and moment to declare “…The Will Be Done…”

As a young man in church, an old preacher instructed me “… when you hear a Good Word, you ought to say Amen…” I say today, when we receive (hear or read) something Simply Beautiful, we ought to say Amen. Amen Dr. Flo. Amen. Simply Beautiful.

Happy New Year Everyone. We close this year of 2021 on a note of Gratitude and Hope for 2022. May “Thy Will Be Done” in all our lives be Simply Beautiful.

Read more about Dr. Flo and Hunter and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #SimplyBeautifulMatters 

The Struggle Continues….

Terry is 31-year-old Native American. He was released from the county jail 2 days ago after doing 8 months for receiving his second DWI and tragically hitting and paralyzing a lady in a cross walk. He must also serve five years’ probation and 18 months under house arrest. He is married with two young sons ages 5 and 6. His wife is a nurse who’s also a heavy drinker. He said In These Rooms “…I believe the judge let me off on probation and house arrest because I own and run a construction company and because of my small boys. I drink because of the pressure to hold it all together. I drink because most of the time it gives me an edge. I got a lot on me. It’s tough in my business and I’m barely staying afloat. I gotta make it and I need every edge I can get. I just can get over the fear I can’t do it without drinking…”

Terry’s problem might be understood as fear of people and/or economic Insecurity. He has the weight of his family and business if not the world on his shoulders. Terry’s sharing suggests he doesn’t feel adequately supported. He seeks in the bottle the assistance he isn’t getting from other people, places and things. He doesn’t want to drink but needs something he ain’t getting elsewhere. I heard this old preacher say onetime “…every man who knocks on the door of the house of ill repute is looking for God…” I would extend this to picking up a bottle beyond casual or social drinking. Listening to Terry share, I don’t hear an acholic. I hear the voice of a man who’s looking for God.

“…I know firsthand about doing shit because of feelings or fears of economic insecurity. This might be as they say, the story of my life. I’ve made decision after decision because of these fears and feelings over the years. I married my ex-wife because of these feelings and fears. On our wedding night, I was sick to my stomach and didn’t consummate marriage for a week. I knew I just made the mistake of my life because of fear and feelings of possible economic insecurity. Yeah, I know about this making decisions shit and in it failing to trust God…” 

Hunter

Step 11 of the Big Book In These Rooms states “… Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with a Higher Power as we understood this Power, praying only for knowledge of the Power’s Will for us and the power to carry that out…”

I stated, in listening to Terry share, I don’t hear an acholic. I hear the voice of a man who’s looking for God. The good news is Terry might find that, in owing his struggle, he has something of benefit to himself and others. This struggle ain’t just some effort to get sober or achieve some damn sobriety as important as that is. This struggle is deeper than that shit. This struggle is to live the life for which God created us. This struggle is about being all we can be and then some. This struggle is to keep it moving when you’re going thru hell. This struggle is to see His transformation of our wrecked lives for His Glory and the empowering benefit for those coming behind us. This struggle is getting home the best fucking way we know how. There is no security in this struggle. We all experience Insecurity in this struggle. If you don’t experience some Insecurity in the struggle to get home the best fucking way you know how, you don’t just need to stop drinking, get sober and achieve sobriety you need your fucking head examined.

Message to Terry. You might find your struggle will dissipate from seeking a Higher Power instead of mere self-reliance in this situation. You may find the willingness to share your story, experience, strength and hope, like you did this morning, with others in your learning to trust in a Higher Power. But Terry, Don’t get it twisted, 

“…We live in a material world. I’m down with my Man hunter. On this side of eternity, all of us better have some concerns about economic security or yeah it’s fuckin time to have your damn head examined…”

Fr. Esteban

You ain’t alone Terry. You ain’t alone. The other news is nor are you out of the woods. At least not today. It’s Christmas, so have hope and keep the faith. But Insecurity is the name of the game on this side of eternity, Terry. When you’re going thru hell Bro, fears and feelings of economic Insecurity and all, remember to keep it moving. Don’t let feelings and fears of Insecurity take you out, Man. Not to today or any other day. Keep in moving, seeking and trusting in A Higher Power. Merry Christmas.

Read more about, Fr. Esteban and Hunter, and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #InsecurityMatters 

Mike is a 34-year-old biker, restaurant owner, former drug dealer and alcoholic. He came In These Rooms for the first time this morning. He confessed he has a problem with drinking. He has been arrested three times for DWI in the last two years. He is awaiting sentencing on the last charge and entered the room today under court order. He is married with three children, all under the age of 12, and his youngest daughter is 8 and has a rare form of cancer and needs a kidney transplant. The restaurant is about to go under after plowing thru a $150K family loan for the business. He is facing 28 months in the County for his last DWI and his wife has vowed to “…leave me and make sure I never see my children again if I doesn’t do something about this shit and go inside. My life is covered in the shit of my making. I feel like I’m going under. Yea, I think as y’all say “…my ass is on fire…”

Mike’s feeling his ass is on fire is how it feels when one comes to the realization the shit of their life is exposed or uncovered. This Priest I knew shared the story of an exchange he had with his boss about his management style. He said his boss called him in his office and said to him “…Harold you’re a talented guy and you obviously want to go places. But you got to learn how to cover your ass…” Success in life might be defined as learning how to cover your ass. If covering one’s ass is important, that begs the question, what does one use for The Covering?

“…I’m overwhelmed by this place and how inadequate I feel compared to the other students here and what they have and where they’re from. I’m not in Kansas anymore. This is not N.C. A&T State University anymore. I doubt who I am sometimes and whether I can make it here. I feel overwhelmed by academic deficiencies …” This was my being uncovered and exposed. This was the state of mind and emotional bondage I was in, and feeling that uncovered and exposed made me susceptible to sexual molestation. 

Yalie

“…Finishing college Summa Cum Laude and acquiring a Master of Divinity Degree from Yale, I have the credentials and pedigree to go anywhere in the world and become whatever I wish to become. My academic credentials are certainly a form of covering for me. More importantly, I believe my understanding of the ways of a Higher Power and my commitment to make of this world a better place is the greater covering in which I place my faith and my knowledge of what is necessary for truth telling and witness bearing…“

The Professor

“…G’tting’ mine by any means necessary, that’s my damn coverin. Doin’ what needs doin’ to make shit happen, that’s my coverin. Yea, I’m washed in the blood but I’m also capitalist to da bone. Y’all in those rooms talk about progress not perfection. I ain’t concerned about progress nor perfection. It’s about the shit that gets me paid. I reduce coverin’ my ass to three words—Cut the Check (baby)…”

Fr. Esteban

“…I have learned trusting in my Higher Power and sharing my authentic lived truth is all The Covering I need in this world. This is my understanding. The problem is the world doesn’t give a damn about my understanding. I have the challenge of dealing with the craziness of a world where the lack of authenticity is job one. Yes, I have covering but I live in a world where being uncovered or exposed, sharing authentic lived truth or being radically vulnerable, is the kiss of death. Go figure…”

Hunter

Step 11 of the Big Book In These Rooms states “… sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with a Higher Power as we understood this Power, praying only for knowledge of the Power’s Will for us and the power to carry that out…”

Until I came to understand the shit of my past as The Covering for what God has purposed for my life, I didn’t feel good about my past or what I’ve been thru. Until I understood my past this way, I didn’t think there was any value in doing Family of Origin Work, sharing my authentic lived truth or becoming radically vulnerable. I didn’t want or know how to love myself. I didn’t have a clue to the power of being present to myself. I didn’t know there was strength to be found in embracing my personal experience, strength and hope.

“…Until the Lion learns to write, we will always glorify the hunter…”

African Proverb

Until I came to understand The Covering was to be found in telling the story of the shit that has crushed me, I was anything and everything but a Lion. I was a coward all dressed up and going nowhere fast. I was asked by my AA Sponsor Dr. JJ recently what happened to bring me to this understanding? I answered “…realizing I couldn’t fall off the floor…” That was partiality accurate. More importantly and to the point, I came to the realization the damn dumpster fire I was calling a life was me living in the graveyard of life and being afraid of death. How bat damn crazy is that shit? 

Message to Mike: it’s said In These Rooms “…the good news is there’s a solution. The bad news is we’re it…” Speaking of one’s ass being on fire, the good news is there’s hope for the dumpster fire you’re calling a life right now. The bad news is it’s to be found in the courageous sharing and storytelling you did this morning. The bad news is that in this dumpster fire you’re calling a life is your Covering. The good news is the sharing and storytelling you did this morning is your Lion beginning to write. The good news is when you shared this morning you were no longer glorifying the hunters in your life. When you have the courage to share your authentic lived truth and get radically vulnerable, you’re putting out that fire on your ass and in that dumpster you call a life. Sharing and storytelling, this is you embracing The Covering. The Covering is cool; it can be empowering and even transformational. The Covering can be a repurposing of the past and reappropriating of our old and forgotten memories. The Covering is the ultimate Covering of our ass and liberating of our Spirit.Read more about, Yalie, the Professor, Fr. Esteban and Hunter, and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #TheCoveringMatters

Last blog we met Shane, who is a 31-year-old railroad conductor. He is married and they have a 5-year-old son who has Downs Syndrome. He says his wife is also an alcoholic but she won’t come In These Rooms. Last month, she received her 4th DWI in the last 18 months. She is due back in court in the next ninety days. Their attorney says she may be looking at 2 years. Her spitting on the arresting police officer and having an Assaulting an Officer of the Law charge added to the situation doesn’t help anything. “…I know she drinks because of the stress and work of our son’s condition. When she isn’t drinking, she’s a good woman and mother. When it comes to what the future holds for us, I’m constantly trying to remember who she really is. This is when I remember we are not the God of who we are…” 

I shared with Shane last blog “…Remembering When don’t end on this side of the Mighty Jordan. But Bro you gotta get outta your head. Your future has a lot of shit in it straight up. But Bro, since you definitely got some shit to go thru, you can choose to play the star and leading role in leading your family thru this drama…” I’m still thinking about Shane’s words and the subject Remembering When

“…What matters in life is not what happens to you, but how you remember and how you tell it…”

Gabriel Garcia Marquez

“…I fight to remember that what matters ain’t the darkest shit that is a part of my past. I struggle to remember the past ain’t all of me or my story. I work to remember my demons and inner characters ain’t the problem; they are a part of who I am. I’ve learned whatever I am to become will be a product of what I make of the demons and inner characters that are who I am. I laugh and think it’s crazy as hell that who I am and will become is linked to the characters and the shit that is part of the past I struggle to keep from devouring me. I think it’s crazy as shit and a real joy that I can turn the shit I thought I would always regret into something meaningful and even hilarious. I think it’s crazy and awesome that now, that shit is funny…”

Yalie

“…I think the practice of defining what matters from the most empowering perspective is one of my greatest character assets. I call this the practice of seeing the glass as half full until it is proven otherwise. Is this an overly optimistic approach to life? I think not. I consider it highly intelligent and logical to err in my calculations on life and what matters on the side of that which is of and has the greatest upside. I choose to live life on life’s terms with the best opportunity to maximize every possibility to be most successful. Seeing life the other way, I think this too is a 50-50 proposition. I prefer to push my proverbial life chips to the middle of table every time and anticipate, expect and of course hope for the most empowering and powerful outcome of life that is humanly possible. This is the best way to live my life: remember what matters and share and tell my story…” 

The Professor

“…I remember what I remember. Yes, I want to remember everything I can about the past. I can’t; I won’t. I remember what I can and try and put the most empowering and powerful spin on things that I can. Sometimes this is the truth. But that’s me. My characters and demons have their own deal. There lies the rub. My character and demons may tell a different story. They may have a different authentic lived truth. They may be deluded, or in denial, or deceitful.  Does this perspective make me a liar? Hell no. What this truth means is that I’m radically vulnerable. This means authentic lived truth when you have demons or characters is living life as a one day at a time journey…” 

Hunter

I believe a key to how we tell our stories is a subject l learned In These Rooms called “Family of Origin Work.” I ain’t no therapist so I approach this subject on my own terms. Family of Origin Work occurs to me as the movement from Success to Fulfillment, The Haunting to the Presence and Remembering When to Reappropriated Memories. This repurposing of the shit from my past I believe requires outing and dealing with my inner characters or what some call my demons. I heard guy say In These Rooms “…They told me to find my Inner Child. So I found him. That fucker bit me…” Repurposing the shit from my past in an empowering way of talking about the shit that has haunted me and caused my life to spiral to unfathomable depths. This is a direct result of my doing this so-called Family of Origin Work of dealing with my damn inner characters or demons. This shit is me. It was me yesterday, it’s me today and it’ll be me tomorrow. My inner characters or demons are with me, mine and as some say, “from the womb to the tomb.” I consider this shit I’m describing Family of Origin Work because the reason our families can push our buttons is because they helped install them.

This other Cat In These Rooms stated he was doing Step 9 work from the Big Book, “…made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others…,” and was making amends to his family when his family said “…we don’t want to hear about all the bad shit you’ve done…” I contend they don’t want to hear the bad stuff we’ve done because they don’t want to address their complicity. But I digress. I’m not getting to the heart of what matters in life without addressing what I remember. I’m not able to repurpose what I remember and tell it in an empowering way without doing Family or Origin Work. I’m not doing Family of Origin Work that can move me from Success to Fulfillment, the Haunting to the Presence or Remembering When to Reappropriated Memories without owning my inner characters and my demons. I’ll eat my own dog food here and apply to myself what I recommended to Shane in Remembering When blog 1.  “…Thru for y’all is the way out. Real talk. Why not choose in leading your family thru this shit to do that which is heroic for your family situation instead of that same old Remembering When of all the negative shit? What the fuck you got to lose but a whole lot of worry about shit that’s beyond your control? No, this type of Remembering When ain’t logical. But it can be grace filled. Whatta you got to lose Bro? Just saying, why not change your Remembering When?” I believe I have a hell of a lot to lose if I don’t choose this type of Remembering When and do that which is Heroic and leaves me radically vulnerable. This type of Remembering When, choosing to do what is Heroic, starts with and ain’t fucking happening until I’m dealing with my my inner characters, my demons and yes, my Family of Origin Work. This is not just my story. This is also the authentic truth I’m living and I’m sticking to it.

Read more about, Yalie, the Professor and Hunter, and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #Rembering WhenMatters 

The Struggle Continues….

Shane is a 31-year-old railroad conductor. He is married and they have a 5-year-old son who has Downs Syndrome. He says his wife is also an alcoholic but she won’t come In These Rooms. Last month, she received her 4th DWI in the last 18 months. She is due back in court in the next ninety days. Their attorney says she may be looking at 2 years. Her spitting on the arresting police officer and having an Assaulting an Officer of the Law charge added to the situation doesn’t help anything. “…I know she drinks because of the stress and work of our son’s condition. When she isn’t drinking, she’s a good woman and mother. When it comes to what the future holds for us, I’m constantly trying to remember who she really is. This is when I remember we are not the God of who we are…”

“…I don’t have many memories from this time in my life. Moving around a lot, I didn’t have any good friendships or good memories growing up. I missed my father. Two fond memories I have at this time: I remember my father was visiting with us. My parents were divorced and we were living with my grandparents. We were watching the Pittsburgh Steelers game in which Franco Harris made the immortal catch referred to as the Immaculate Reception. We both jumped to our feet and danced in celebration. I have been a Pittsburgh Steeler’s fan ever since. The other time I remember when was watching a Notre Dame-USC football game. We were living in South Bend, Indiana at the time. I was watching with a couple guys that were friends at the time but also not lasting friendships. Notre Dame was winning 24-0 at halftime. We were all pulling for Notre Dame. It’s reported the USC Coach told his players “…we’re going to get that kickoff and run it back. We’re going to score, and score and keep on scoring…” The final score was USC 55-24 over Notre Dame. We were enthusiastically pulling for Notre Dame and greatly deflated but this was a true Remember- When experience…”

Doug

“…I’ve been telling people I’m this academic star from N.C. A & T State University and this deeply spiritual minster of the gospel. I’ve been acting like I’m as good as anybody else here. I tell myself I can be whatever I need to be here to make it. I’m catching hell. I’m no longer the academic star I was at A & T. I know I’m a fraud and fear I’m going to be found out. I’ve been lying my whole life. I’ve been lying so long I don’t Remember When the lying started and who I really am…”

Yalie

“…I believe Remembering When is about remembering we are our/these characters. We are always telling our story. There is a point of Remembering When in telling our story where we stop telling stories that characterize, pun intended, us as victims and instead choose to tell stories straight out of central casting that cast us as the heroes playing the leading roles in the stories we tell. I believe there’s a power in Remember When where we come to this point in telling our stories…”

Hunter

“…Remembering When is a line in the sand for me Maan. Remembering When is like a before and after of my life. I remember who I was before my Higher Power set me free from my bondage to money and materiality. Remembering When is how I know I am different and can celebrate the freedom from bondage to money I enjoy today. I remember how miserable my life used to be though I had plenty of money and celebrated my material wealth and financial success. I didn’t just have and enjoy things; they had me. They consumed me and my world. Remembering When, I have vowed, with the strength and hope of my Higher Power, never to go back across that line in the sand…”

Sean Anderson 

Step 3 of the Big Book In These Rooms says “…made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of a Higher Power as we understood this Power…”

Remembering When has taken me from the pit to the penthouse of life. I pause to reflect on my life prior to coming In These Rooms and doing this work. Sometimes I have to pinch myself. I see how God can and has blessed me. Remembering When, I think of the ways I used to devalue myself, life and others for the proverbial thirty pieces of silver. Remembering When, I am reminded how low I did and would go if I thought for one minute I could make it. Remembering When, I realize how much of my life and story have been about a mindless chase for things and stuff that today I see as utterly worthless trash. Remembering When, I now get this shit. Remembering When, I also know how today my Higher Power has given me tools to repurpose this shit for something meaningful and a life of value and In Spite of Dreams. I am blessed to see these Dreams because His Presence empowers me to believe He can make all things new and give me a transformational Tale from the Wreckage of my past to share with the world. This is the joy I found in having the courage to Remember When.

Shane my Brother, Remembering When don’t end on this side of the Mighty Jordan. But Bro you gotta get outta your head. Your future has got a lot of shit in it straight up. But Bro, since you definitely got some shit to go thru, you can choose to play the star and leading role in leading your family thru this drama. Thru for y’all is the way out. Real talk. Why not choose in leading your family thru this shit to do that which is heroic for your family situation instead of that same old Remembering When of all the negative shit? What the fuck you got to lose but a whole lot of worry about shit that’s beyond your control? No, this type of Remembering When ain’t logical. But it can be grace filled. Whatta you got to lose Bro? Just saying, why not change your Remembering When?

Read more about Doug, Yalie, Hunter, and Sean Anderson and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #Rembering WhenMatters 

The Struggle Continues….

Keith is a 36-year-old divorcée and now openly gay ex-meth dealer with three little girls 6, 8 and 12. His ex-wife is an addict. She is currently doing 15-25 for manslaughter in a drug deal gone bad. Keith is an accomplished hair stylist when he can stay sober. In These Rooms this morning, he shared “…sometimes it feels like my girls are raising me instead of me raising them…I fear what is ahead for my girls but I know life right now ain’t no picnic for them… sometimes the devil you do know is better than the angel you don’t know…” 

Keith’s last statement sounds on point when we’re talking about looking forward or towards the unknown but not so much as it relates to the past. His statement doesn’t work when we are troubled by and fear The Haunting memories of our past. Sometimes our fears of the known are as great if not greater the any damn fear of the unknown. This is The Haunting.

“…I fear I will not measure up. I play sports but I fear I’m not as good as the others. I fear I’m not black enough so I must do more to prove I’m black enough. I fear I don’t really fit in anywhere. Black kids think I act white and white kids always call me nigger because I am black. I fear I what will happen if I don’t impress people. I fear the cool people won’t accept me for me so I must have stuff they want to be accepted. I fear being judged. I fear not being liked. I fear being a nobody. I fear what will happen to me if I can get people to like me. I fear I’m not good enough and that others will always have more and be better than me. This is the haunting thinking that troubles my spirit…”

Kirk

“…The Haunting is very real part of human experience. We all have baggage we carry from our past. I believe we all carry the experiences of fear, grief, shame, remorse and regrets about our past. This is part of the human condition; this is part of the human struggle we call life. I know personally that The Haunting is a situation that can be overcome. We were not made to be passive victims to our past. I have struggled to overcome issues with matters arising from my family of origin to problems I address daily caused by people, places and things. I have come to the realization that the Presence of a Higher Power in my life is greater than all these issues, situations, condition’s problems or experiences brought on by the past. I have found in This Presence the strength to face, confront and, with this Presence, be authentic about the struggles, trusting as to the source of my hope, grace and the courage to be vulnerable about the past. I know The Haunting but I am thankful I also know The Presence…”

The Professor

“…The Haunting is real. I have experienced this thing called The Haunting on this journey. As I reflect on my past, The Haunting has appeared to me wearing many faces: shame, fear, guilt, anger, judgement and remorse. The Haunting occurs to me today as characters that are part of my past that I hoped to overcome one day. They aren’t going anywhere but I don’t have to allow them to define me. That is the definition for me of The Haunting: my allowing the characters and shit from my past to haunt me. When I have allowed my past to define me or devalue my life, I have felt The Haunting. I have seen the face of my past Haunting me and heard the voices of the characters that are a part of who I am seeking to be heard in my life thru The Haunting…”

Hunter

Step 2 in the Big Book In These Rooms says “…came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity…”

Like Keith, I know The Haunting experience of my past. I know what it means to look at myself in the mirror every morning and remember my criminal behavior, excessive drinking, promiscuity, mental and emotional abusive tendencies in relationships and a whole bunch of other shit. I know The Haunting experience of replaying over and over in my soul and my spirit the question, ‘Who have I been to do this shit? How and why has my life gone so terribly fucking wrong? What kind of human being am I to have stooped so low to do some of the shit I’ve done and fucking allowed to be done to me?” I have lived with The Haunting experience of trying to outrun my hurts, habits and hang ups. I too have lived with trying to hold my head up after being devalued and devastated on this journey called life by people, places and things. But, In These Rooms, I have come to know the Power and Presence of a God who has shown me I am His Precious Child in spite of all this shit. In These Rooms, I come to know the Power and Presence of one who has taken all my shit and shown me in Him and thru Him I don’t any longer have to see myself as a bad person trying to be good nor do I have to see myself any longer as a sick person trying to get well. I have come to know a Higher Power that is a Precious Presence in my life showing me what it means to be His awesome and badass child daily becoming more fully human and beautiful. This is going from The Haunting to His Presence.

Keith’s fear is focused on what is ahead for him and his girls. Understandable. But I think what is driving him and has his ass In These Rooms is not just the fear of the unknown but the known shit that is haunting him. Many of our known fears are about our struggles with the haunting memories of our past. Haunting memories can be a function of our wrestling with the things that have happened to us in the past but they can also be caused by difficulties and reluctances associated with our unwillingness to critically examine our past decisions and choices. How do we overcome The Haunting memories of our past? Can we achieve that on this side of eternity? I believe, hell Yes. We can make a transformational move and look for the characters that lurk in our past. We can make the transformational move of outing the people, places and things have greatly troubled us in the past or caused us fear. Give them a name. We can make the transformational move of exploring what benefits our haunting memories or fears have added to our life or story in the past. We may not win over our haunting memories or fears on this side of eternity but we sure can begin the process of turning the perceived liabilities of our past into benefits in our future. Who knows? We might even find some gift in some of our haunting fears. Hell, until you can beat it, a least transform it. We might not be able to stop The Haunting memories or fears of our past but we can exercise our option and power to make them shits serve us. This is the move from The Haunting to knowing The Presence. This also the important move in telling our story from passive victim to authentic characters and co-authors. This is when and where The Haunting shit ends. 

Read more about Kirk, the Professor, Hunter, and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #TheHauntingMatters 

The Struggle Continues….

Diane is a 35-year-old Sister who is an alcoholic and former meth addict. Diane was a successful attorney, having argued before the Texas Supreme Court, prior to being disbarred behind her 4th DWI, serving 9 months in prison and receiving 10 years’ probation. Diane is openly lesbian and had a committed 7-year relationship with her life partner until, while on a vacation, she left her partner in a Las Vegas hotel room, never returning, and went out on a 60-day drunken binge. Diane said In These Rooms this evening “…I have a crazy person in the back of my head. Her name is Louise. I believe she loves me but believe me you don’t want to meet her. It’ll be a miracle if she doesn’t one day kill me…”

“…An empowering step in transformation is the capacity to stop placing expectations on other people and instead place them on our inner characters…”

The Professor

“…I’m here at Yale and have lofty expectations. I’m looking forward to the future in ministry that is before me. I expect I will enjoy a good life and help a lot of people when I’m finally ordained. These are some of my expectations. But I’m confused by things I’m doing to make it. I’m confused by the incredibly shallow relationships I’m involved in here. I’m making friends but don’t feel these relationships are genuine. How can they be? I’m carrying a lot of baggage and secrets. I can’t believe I’m here academically. How did I get here? There are these secrets I’m carrying about the things I’m doing and have done to make it here. This shit weights me down. I’m not sure I’m gonna make it thru this program. I’m hoping I will. I know I’ve got work to do. I’m guess you could say I’m also Expecting a Miracle.”

Yalie

“…In placing expectations on our inner characters instead of other people, places and things, we affirm we are good with how God has made us. When we place expectations on our inner characters, we also stop making others the heroes of our lives and the heroes of our stories. I have found this to be fundamental to my transformation and more importantly to my fulfillment. I have learned to acknowledge the existence of my inner characters. This has not come easy but it has challenged me to strive to be my best self not only inwardly but outwardly as well. This is a process as well as a journey. I believe if I remain committed to this process, I will experience the absolute best this journey has to offer for me and others. This is the Miracle I am Expecting…”

The Professor

“…Expecting A Miracle is about the transformational stories of our lives. Expecting A Miracle is seeing our lives and our stories differently. There’s an African Proverb that says “…Until the Lion learns to write, we will always glorify the hunter…” Expecting A Miracle is seeing, thinking and yes writing the story of our lives where we are no longer the hunted. It‘s when we stop playing the victim of the stories we tell and the lives we live. I can’t change my past. Nothing I say or do will ever change the things I’ve done; the drinking, the arrests, the mentally abusive person I’ve been in relationships, the facts of all that shit are etched in stone. What is etched in butter is my opportunity to take the facts of that shit and make something of them that is meaningful for me and empowering for others. Maybe my belief that I can take the story of the shit of my past and make of it a transformational and even a heroic story is me Expecting A Miracle…”

Hunter

“…Expecting A Miracle is choosing to believe and see the best in humanity despite the bull shit and ugliness that is a part of this world. Expecting A Miracle is not allowing the prejudice and racism I have known from my youth to consume me and any longer cause me to hate my fellow man. 

I have been angry and hated my white brothers and sisters based on how those of their race had treated me in the past. I was angry to point of wanting to do them harm both physically, mentally, emotionally and financially and felt and believed they deserved all of it based on past wrongs and perceived injustices. Expecting A Miracle is knowing firsthand my Higher Power has set me free from that shit and can and will set me free as I continue to move forward on this journey trusting, believing and hoping in his power and not my own. Expecting A Miracle is seeing in the shit life brings me and throws at me God’s Hand at work and a deeper step forward in my walk with Him…”

X

Step 6 in the Big Book In These Rooms says “…Were entirely ready to have a Higher Power remove all these defects of character…”

Expecting A Miracle is believing God can transform my so-called character defects into something He can use for my benefit and His Glory if I trust in Him. I received news one of the subcontractors I work with turned in a quote five times more than our closest competitor. I was pissed about it. Then, a good friend and I went out for sushi at a place that was half the price of the last sushi place where we dined. It was half the price but twice as good. It occurred to me all this numbers shit is relative but what ain’t relative is God’s Power and only God’s Power to establish true worth in this world. It occurred to me that this race to the bottom shit I’ve been engaged in is a devaluing of self. Expecting A Miracle is refusing to continue devaluing my life and my walk with God by always being willing to race to the bottom, lower myself and lower my prices. I believe in my work and myself when I believe in my life price and don’t change it for any people, places or things. I believe in myself and my work when I believe the same God who can use my so-called character defects for my benefit and His Glory can also find the business partners that value me and my work at any price.

Diane took a radical step In These Rooms by outing the character inside her named Louise. Now it’s time to place Expectations on Louise by charging her rent for the fucking space she’s taking up in Diane’s head. Diane, like the rest of us, can do this by writing about the chaos and havoc Louise brings down on her life. That’ll be some shit God will use for Diane’s benefit and His Glory. That’ll be Expecting A Damn Miracle.

Read more about Yalie, the Professor, Hunter, and X and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #ExpectAMiracle

The Struggle Continues….