Author: Fr. Steven S. Kirk, M.Div

Larry is a 33-year-old attorney and “family man.” He has three children under the age of twelve. He describes himself as a closet drinker and functional alcoholic. He said In These Rooms this morning “…I am a good person until I have a drink. Once I take a drink, I don’t know myself; I hate myself. I hate the things I have done. I’ve been abusive to my wife and kids and a half ass attorney. I hate who I have become. I don’t know why I find it difficult to be comfortable in My Own Skin.

“…Don’t judge your insides by the outsides of others…” This is an inside job.

“…I’m tired of trying so hard to fit in. I need to be somebody for myself. I need to become somebody others will see and look up to. I want friends and people to like me for me but don’t know why they don’t. I want to be attractive. I hang out with people who I let use me for the things I have so I can fit in. I feel I need stuff to have people like being with me. They don’t know me or really like me. This shit sucks. Life sucks here in Kalamazoo. I need to get out of here. Life in My Own Skin ain’t Cool. I need to get some place that is Cool so I can be Cool and around people who are Cool. That’s when I believe I will find life and peace in My Own Skin…”

Kirk

“…I’m glad to be here. Here I’m somebody special. I feel like I’m on top of the world here. I get the chicks and people like me even though they don’t know the real me. This life is better than working in that factory, though I do miss California. I thought I was going to make it there. I feel important here and people look up to me. It helps my father and stepmother are on the faculty here. This is the only reason I got to come here. I’m making the most of it. Nobody here knows I had my second gay experience with another man. I’m applying myself in ways I never have before. I’m getting good grades now after almost flunking out when I first got here. I’ve accepted Christ in my life but I still get with the girls. I don’t think anybody knows that. I feel like I can have whatever I want here or become whatever I want. I don’t feel bad that people think I’m somebody I’m not. I’m trying hard to be the person I’ve said I am. I’m trying. Some days are better than others but this is life in My Own Skin…”

Stephen

“…I don’t fit in here. This is so different than A & T. I’m not special anymore. I feel lost and like I’m in over my head. I’m struggling to make it here and fit in. I don’t feel supported here. I’m not comfortable in My Own Skin here. I am doing things I never thought I’d do to make it. Making it and surviving here are everything to me. How did I get involved with this man who is taking sexual advantage of me? Not being comfortable in My Own Skin? Why did I stay in this relationship with this man even though I didn’t like him and certainly didn’t love him? Not being comfortable in My Own Skin. I’m not only getting a great theological education here at Yale. I’m learning the depths of darkness, despair and deception I have gone to and will go to when I’m not comfortable in My Own Skin…”

Yalie

“…My Own Skin is the world of my thoughts, ideas and aspirations. My Own Skin is about truth-telling and witness-bearing. My Own Skin is using the God-given power of my mind to envision a better life for myself and a more powerful and beautiful world for others. My Own Skin is refusing to passively accept the truths of others. My Own Skin is having the intellectual and moral courage to find my own truths. My Own Skin is the hard work of not just accepting life on life’s terms. That is not living; that is existing. My Own Skin is refusing to accept this as all my Higher Power wants for me. My Own Skin is finding something in my life worth living and if necessary dying for. This is when I am truly set free to practice truth-telling and witness-bearing. This is when I am set free to make of this world a better place for myself and a different place for others. This is life in My Own Skin…”

The Professor

“…My Own Skin is about getting punched and knocked down but having the courage to keep moving forward. My Own Skin is the lessons I’ve learned about rolling with the punches of life. My Own Skin is the different story of my life I tell myself today. My Own Skin is taking control of the story I tell myself of my life. My life has changed because I’ve changed how I live my life and the story I tell Myself. My Own Skin is getting comfortable with all the discomfort I have experienced in the past. I don’t make peace with that shit. I accept “…Calm Seas May Bring You Peace, But Storms Are Where You Find Your Power…”–Unknown I accept life on life’s terms until I find the power to tell a more powerful story about the shit that’s going down. This is winning. This is life in My Own Skin…”

Hunter

“…My Own Skin is something I’ve learned to get comfortable in. Being Black in America can make My Own Skin a source of consternation and torment. Things like DWB (Driving While Black) remind me daily that My Own Skin doesn’t make living life happy, joyous and free any damn cake walk. My Own Skin can make life a daily blessing and a curse. But dammit, I can say with sister Maya Angelou “…I wouldn’t take nothing for my journey now…” In spite of whatever shit life brings my way, I know deep in my soul My Own Skin is the gift my God, who sits high but looks low and doesn’t make mistakes, has given me a chance to make a difference in this world and to be a blessing to others. I wouldn’t take nothing for my journey now because I’ve found in My Own Skin the power and a story that has what is greatly needed to change and make of this world a better place…”

X

Step 4 of the Big Book In These Rooms says “…made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves…” 

Being comfortable in My Own Skin, this has become possible because I made a conscious decision to get real about my past life. I made a decision to stop running from my past, share my authentic lived truth, and, with God’s help, become radically vulnerable about where I’ve been, the things I’ve done and the things I’ve had done to me. My Own Skin has become comfortable for me as I found the courage in grace to move out of bondage to my past. I found the strength and the power to move towards the freedom and fulfillment that are not just in sobriety from my addictive past behaviors but more importantly the freedom and fulfillment found in the transformation that is the fruit of work, struggles and a commitment to be the best version of me, by the Grace of God, I could ever hope to be and become. I am comfortable in My Own Skin today because I’m no longer haunted by my past. My Higher Power is now present, daily walking with me and talking to me. He lets me know I am His precious child in the skin of a life with all the shit, shadows and shame He has allowed me to experience and blessed me with. I am comfortable in My Own Skin today because, by His Amazing Grace, I can walk back thru the memories and remembrances of the past. I am no longer horrified and haunted by this past hell but see in all this shit, shame and even sin how he was and is fashioning me thru all this to have a message from this mess I’ve called a life for this world and all His precious children. The good news today is I am comfortable in My Own Skin because I can proclaim with Dr. Martin Luther King “…free at last, free at last. Thank God Almighty, I’m free at last…” I thank God and My Higher Power I’ve found this freedom in My Own god-damn Skin.

Read more about Kirk, Stephen, Yalie, the Professor, Hunter, and X and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #MyOwnSkinMatters

The Struggle Continues….

Jack is a 45-year-old former physician who lost his license to practice medicine after receiving his 3rd DWI, being convicted of selling prescription narcotics on the side, and doing a 5-year prison sentence for possession with intent to distribute. His wife of fifteen years divorced him and he can only have supervised custodial visits with his two little girls ages 10 and 12. Jack’s share In These Rooms this evening was that “…I used to have difficulty with Forgiveness. That was until I learned it’s not just about forgiving others but also the beauty of forgiving myself and the acceptance of life’s forgiveness…”

“…Forgiveness has not come easy for me but neither does laughter and I want and need both. I’ve had difficulty forgiving myself for the shit I’ve done in the past and the shit that has been done to me. I’ve hated myself for the mistakes I’ve made. I feel ugly on the inside for the shit I’ve done. But the funny part is I still love me some me. I feel beautiful on the inside when I find the capacity to laugh at the people, places and things that think they have the power to keep me feeling and thinking the way I’ve felt in the past. I feel beautiful and find the laughter in that shit because it’s funny how people think they have power over me other than the power I give them. It took the deleterious impact of choosing to be in a sexually abusive relationship of molestation to teach me this truth and to find the laughter in the futile attempts of others to keep me down and downcast. My Forgiveness is found in embracing the understanding that “…If you free your mind, your ass will follow…”

Yalie

“…Forgiveness is a great gift of life. Forgiveness is something wonderful to receive and wonderful to give away. I look on my academic success and think of forgiveness. How does a high school reject go on to graduate from an Ivy League University? Forgiveness. How do I find the capacity to love and appreciate people who don’t look like me, are not educated like me, don’t think like me and maybe don’t even like me? Forgiveness. I place a lot of emphasis on the power of the mind and the importance of intellectual pursuits. Achievements in this area might not have anything to do with forgiveness for most. This occurs differently to me. I believe Forgiveness is a mental health process. I believe Forgiveness is a mental and creative process that is a beautiful flower that blossoms from experience and imagining a better life for oneself, and sometimes others, more than a life filled with anger, bitterness, resentments, shame, hatred and possibly despair. I believe Forgiveness is a great feeling but I believe it can, and often does for me, begin creatively in my mind, memories and my imagining a different and better life for myself and I hope others…”

The Professor

“…Over my head, I see Jordan…” The line from that song comes to me when I think about Forgiveness. It’s something I want and seek but it seems off in the distance, almost like another world or a world away. I‘ve seen it and felt it, needed it, but that shit like life just don’t last. I like to feel I have the capacity to forgive. I’ve tried to forgive. I feel weak forgiving and feel even worse asking or seeking forgiveness but aspire to embrace forgiveness. I feel forgiveness is like hope. I don’t really enjoy living with it but I also don’t like to the thought of living in a world without forgiveness. I admittedly have work to do in this area. This is one of my life struggles that will by the grace of God no doubt, pun intended, fucking continue…”

Hunter

Step 7 of the Big Book In These Rooms says “…humbly asked this Higher Power to remove our shortcomings…” 

I believe Forgiveness and acceptance are two sides of the same coin. I believe the lack of personal acceptance is why I’ve had difficulty with Forgiveness. I find it difficult if not impossible to forgive others because of what I perceive to be absent or flawed in me. 

I like the concept, the notion of Forgiveness, but also find it challenging at best if not impossible to give what I don’t have. Right now, I’m focused on getting my inner character self-acceptance shit together. I’m focused on knowing what it means to accept, forgive and even love myself for where I’ve been, what has happened to me in the past and who I am. I’m holding out hope that one day a more outwardly accepting and forgiving Me will emerge. Getting honest here is a part of this story. Maybe I am hoping against hope; I don’t fucking know. Maybe Forgiveness for me is in another time, another place, another world. I don’t believe it will happen until I learn inner acceptance. This is and must be my focus in this moment. Like it was said previously, when it comes to the subject of Forgiveness, “…Over my head, I see Jordan…”

Read more about Yalie, the Professor, X and Hunter and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #ForgivenessMatter

The Struggle Continues….

In These Rooms this morning, we heard from Nancy. Nancy is a 37-year-old mother of three little girls ages 7, 11 and 13. She is a nurse. Nancy’s husband was killed 5 years ago by a drunk driver. She recently left a 45-day detox program after receiving her 3rd DWI in the last two years. The state is threatening to take her girls from her for child endangerment because they were in the car when she received her last two DWIs and she is also in danger of losing her nursing certificate because her last DWI had her involuntarily committed to the detox program by her family. Nancy said In These Rooms “…My Shadow is trying to kill me. My Shadow wants to take me out…” 

Nancy’s Shadow is what people In These Rooms describe as her ‘character defects.’ I haven’t fought Nancy’s exact fight but I have struggled with my inner characters. I’ve struggled with seeing these characters as My Shadow or as so-called character defects. Our Shadow(s) are the reason I find it difficult if not impossible to trust people who haven’t found their WHY in life or people who are not on the journey from bondage to success to the freedom found in fulfillment. Today, I choose to see my My Shadow or so-called character defects as badasses becoming more fully human. Why not? They aren’t going anywhere.

“…My Shadow use to be the shame I saw in my past. My Shadow of lies, shame and feelings of unworthiness followed me everywhere I went. These feelings have not only followed me but I carried them and their pain was a burden on my soul. Today, I feel My Shadow is a gift. I feel My Shadow is unique. I’m not the first person to be molested and I won’t be the last. But My Shadow is unique because I now know My Shadow is telling a part of my story but not the whole story. I am unique and My Shadow is a part of the unique story I am telling and now My Shadow like the molestation is part of this story. My Shadow is necessary. If I had never experience being molested, I wouldn’t know how powerful my High Power was and is. My Shadow is extraordinary. Who would have thunk the Shadow of my pain, humiliation and shame about being in a 14-year relationship with the Man who molested me and other shit could be the basis for my humor and laughter in the stories of my past? This is not just about My Shadow it’s about my truth. How awesome is that shit? That’s who my Higher Power is. I wouldn’t know the joy of any of this shit if it weren’t for My rare, necessary and extraordinary Shadow…”

Yalie

“…The topic of the Shadow is a very deep and interesting subject. My Shadow is the part of me I am learning to love, forgive and push to be better. I view My Shadow as my being, giving and doing less than my best. It is not using my head. There is often something disruptive and disconcerting about My Shadow. I have tried over the course of my academic career to move beyond, correct and redirect My Shadow. I have found this challenging at best and sometimes an exercise in futility. My Shadow has not responded well to being placed on time outs (laugh). I see My Shadow like a muscle. I have developed the muscle of My Shadow over time. This muscle is a source of power and strength. This is power and strength I believe I will spend the rest of my life learning to channel and move in positive, uplifting and empowering directions. This is learning to use my mind, heart and imagination and my experience, strength and hope to make a difference in this world. This is life, this is developing this powerful muscle and resource. This is My Shadow…”

The Professor

“…My Shadow is the experiences from my past that haunt me to this day. My Shadow is what I have lived thru and experienced that I can’t let go of. My Shadow is who I am when I am who I am burdens, bullshit and all my blackness. I see My Shadow as all I am standing naked before my God smiling. My Shadow is me, the real me but also not all of me. I’m learning to understand and embrace My Shadow. I’m learning to no longer reject My Shadow. I’m learning I need work and to work on My Shadow. 

I am a work in progress like everyone else. I am learning to accept other people and their Shadows because I want people to accept and understand me and My Shadow. With this, my life and My Shadow can make a difference in this world. Power to people and their Shadows set free to make a difference. This is My Shadow…”

X

“…The Shadow is some important stuff Maan. I look at my life and see My Shadow driving me in directions that benefit me but not others too much. My Shadow is me moving on things I want with little regard for the needs and concerns of others. My Shadow is how I have learned to twist life to get, do and have what I want. My Shadow is me manipulating and engineering life to my convenience and desires. I enjoy My Shadow but this Shadow shit has been all consuming and draining. I think I want more for my life than what My Shadow thinks best. The problem is I feel I need to check with My Shadow. That’s the power of My Shadow. It’s an inside job. This shadow shit is some powerful stuff Maan…”

Sean Anderson

Step 11 of the Big Book In These Rooms says sought “…through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with a Higher Power as we understood this Power, praying only for knowledge of the Power’s Will for us and the power to carry that out…” 

My Shadow is my characters and my inner demons from my life In The Shadows. These characters developed to help me survive and make it thru the past and are here today to help me find purpose and meaning for my life in the present and the future. I spent years seeing myself and my inner characters, My Shadow(s), as others saw me and them and how life taught me to see myself instead of seeing myself as God sees me. This is the nature of life In The Shadows that produced My Shadow or Shadows. Ps 8:5 says we were “…created a little lower than the angels and crowned with glory and honor (NIV)…” My Shadow is the shit I carry and have carried that causes me to see myself as anything other than or less than a Child of God and badasses becoming more beautiful every day. I know the God who made me don’t make junk. Out from In The Shadows, I see God has given me the gift of My Shadow or Shadows. Out from In The Shadows, I believe the God has given me this gift for this journey called life. Out from In The Shadows, I now understand My Shadow is a gift from God because it’s part of His Love Story for my life. My Shadow is part of the story of how I see God and how I believe God sees and loves me. This is my story and, along with My Shadow, I’m sticking the hell to it.



Read more about Yalie, the Professor, X and Sean Anderson and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #TheShadowsMatter

The Struggle Continues….

Tommie is a 38-year-old male nurse. Three years ago, he received his 2nd DWI before coming In These Rooms. His 2nd DWI ended with him wrapping his car around a telephone pole. Tommie admitted this evening he was drunk and trying to kill himself. He shared “…I thought I wanted my life to be over. Today, I am not there. That’s today. I know I drank because I wanted to forget the shit in my past. I wanted to forget how disappointed I am with my life and the shit that brought me in here. I am a failure and “…living In The Shadows of who I am has been the story of my life…”

“…We have to live here with my grandparents because we don’t have a home of our own like my friends and their families. My parents are divorcing. I feel inferior to the other kids I know. Why did we have to move here to Indiana? I’m having a lot of fun here but I miss the kids and friends I grew up with. I miss the places where I use to ride my bike and go to play football and basketball in the park with my friends. We must be poor or something because this is always happening to us. It’s different here without my father. I miss him. I feel lost a lot…”

Doug

“…I refuse to live In The Shadows of others. I refuse to feel like others are better than me. I’m gonna be first and the best even if I must make shit up. I want better than my past. I not only want what others have I want to be the best. I want to be them. I want, no I’m going to be somebody. I’m doing it here. That’s why I’ve turned my life around. That’s why I’m studying hard and getting straight A’s. That’s why I ran for and have become student body President. Because I’m showing the damn world who I am and what I can become, I will outperform others and make it to the top by hook or damn crook. I am all that and I’m going to make it. Watch me. I’m tired of living In The Shadows…”

Stephen

“…Living life In The Shadows is not believing we are all fallen, flawed and fallible. We all have our demons. We all put our pants on one leg at a time. Most sit down to shit and we all have gangster proclivities. No one is better than anyone else for everybody has some shit going on and the ground is level at the foot of the cross. We are all trying to get home the best fucking way we know how. I don’t have to take a back seat to anyone. No one walking this earth has been where I’m going. I’m going home so how the hell can another man tell me how to get there? Sharing our experience, strength and hope is the best any of us can do. Sharing the story of my fucking journey and helping others share theirs no longer living life In The Shadows…”

Hunter

“…In The Shadows is not making the difference in this world God created me to make. In The Shadows, I reduced my life to money and material success. In The Shadows, I judged people by the value they brought to me and the things they could do for me. In The Shadows, I believed I ran with and I had to be one of life’s beautiful people. In The Shadows has been a constant and ugly refrain in my life I wanted and needed to change. Like some Bad Juju Maan, life In The Shadows threatened all I truly valued and cared about. I am thankful today I have been set free to achieve my true purpose and to use my time, talent and treasure to make a difference in this world. I thank my God Maan I have been set free from my life In The Shadows…”

Sean Anderson

In The Shadows is the insanity of living beneath God’s purpose for our lives. In The Shadows is the insanity of seeing oneself thru the eyes of people, places and things, our tormentors and even victimizers, and the success model of this world, and then wondering what the fuck is wrong when things don’t go right. 

In The Shadows is the insanity of believing we can experience a life of wholeness, fulfillment and joy gaining the world while losing our souls and a real sense of God’s Purpose for our lives in the god-damn process. In The Shadows is the insanity of self-images, self-awareness and self-identify that occur to us thru the lens of defining our insides by the fucking outsides of others. In The Shadows is the insanity of not finding meaning for today and tomorrow from the shit of our past, choosing a success model for life over fulfillment and forgetting that nothing we have done or will do can separate us from the love of God or keep us from getting home if we don’t give up.

“…If you don’t see yourself clearly, how could you possibly expect others to?”

Unknown

Step 2 of the Big Book In These Rooms says we “…came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity…” Sanity is understanding we’re all trying to get home by His Grace the best fucking way we know how. In The Shadows has been the insanity of striving through my belief, actions and behaviors to be something other than who, what and how God created me to be. I ain’t made it yet, but embracing what is behind and owning my shit, I’m making my way home trusting in my Higher Power. I’m believing I’m a badass becoming more fully human and beautiful whose been living In The Shadows a long god-damn time. As I come out from living In The Shadows like the biblical character Lazarus coming back from the grave, I’m believing thru is not only the way out of this shit; my thru is In The Shadows where I met and learn to trust the God of my understanding. My thru is In The Shadows where I learned to stop trusting in man and where God has shown me by His Grace, Power and Love that In The Shadows of my suffering, struggles and trials there is redemption. I thank God that because of what I’ve been thru I’m no longer just living life In The Shadows of my insanity.



Read more about Doug, Stephen, Hunter and Sean Anderson and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #TheShadowsMatter

The Struggle Continues….

Jody is a 35-year-old openly gay white male. He and his life partner adopted a little girl 4 years ago. She is the joy of their lives when they’re not drinking. He admits they both have been in and out of these rooms for the last 7 years. In These Rooms this morning, Jody shared that for the longest time family drama about his sexuality was at the core of his problems and his drinking. He stated “…I come from a very judgmental Christian family. Most of my life, I feel like I’ve just been playing the hand I was dealt. I didn’t feel like I had a lot of choices. I’ve been living what I guess you’d call A Thrown Life…” Jody didn’t define it as such but I call A Thrown Life a life limited to seeing ourselves thru the lens of powerlessness. 

“…Yea, I hear you but my fucking characters don’t believe you…”

Hunter

‘…I can’t wait to get out of Kalamazoo, MI. Everything I want in life is away from here. Staying here, I will be living the life people around here expect of me. I will be living in the shadow of my family and parents. There are no good opportunities here and I want to be somebody and make something of myself. I don’t have a chance to do anything good or make a difference in life living here. I feel trapped living here. I am better than this, this place and these people. I’ll show them and everybody else. As soon as I graduate, I’m getting the hell outta here and do something fucking big with my life. I can’t wait. It can’t, it won’t happen here…”

Kirk

“…A Thrown Life is not being ride or die. It’s not being committed to getting mine by any fuckin’ means necessary. Anything less than this is A Thrown Life. A Thrown life is marching to the fuckin’ beat of somebody else’s drum. A Thrown Life is playin by other motherfuckers’ rules. The world and y’all can keep that thrown life shit. I ain’t no fuckin pawn in the chess-game of life. I am the King’s Kid and I’m gonna be treated that way or there gonna be goddamn repercussions and consequences. That thrown life shit is wack and about somebody givin’ up on the grind that fuckin’ is life. Hell, if your ass ain’t cheatin, you must a fuckin’ gave up on tryin. Know this, if you see me goin’ down, I’m fuckin’ goin’ down swingin’. You can take that shit to the bank and I’ll meet you there. I’m fuckin’ headed there now…”

Fr. Esteban

“…I now realize a life lived in the pursuit of success instead of fulfillment is A Thrown Life. Achievement and success, this is the path I’ve been on; this is how I have defined life. Anything that took me off this course or path I saw as a distraction or an obstacle to be smashed. I thought I was living by judging life and my success by how effectively I could use money and resources to keep hardship and drama out of my life and out of my way. This is how I defined success and living Maan. But life has shown me something different and something better. Living isn’t the avoidance of hardship or difficulties. Life is overcoming the challenges to make a difference for myself and others. This is what the hell fulfillment is about. How do I use my life and all my stuff, including my challenges and difficult moments, as channels for growth and opportunities to make of this world a better place? When I stay on this path, I am living. I no longer have A Thrown Life. Now I am living Maan…”

Sean Anderson

Step 4 of the Big Book In These Rooms says “…we made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves…” Obviously, from Fr. Esteban’s comments above, some of us are better at this “…searching and fearless moral inventory…” shit than others. Some of us are so steeped in the dictums of everyday living that waking up and smelling the coffee on A Thrown Life seems like an exercise in futility at best or an anathema to our drive and desire to go along to get along and just fucking make it in this world. Been there. Done that shit and have the fucking mental, emotional and spiritual scars to prove it. 

My answer to the rhetorical question “…how’s life working for you?” A Thrown Life, and not people, places or things, has been whoopin my ass.

My thrown life had me feeling powerless and not a powerful child of the Most High God. My thrown life had me believing in self and self alone instead of trusting in and turning my life over to my Higher Power. My thrown life had my life tore up from the floor up and thinking this shit was living. I wasn’t living; I was fucking existing. My thrown life had me afraid to deal with the man in the mirror so l blamed my miserable existence on people, places and things instead of finding the fucking courage to share my authentic lived truth, trust in God and get radically vulnerable about my life and who the fuck I am. My thrown life had me believing because of shame, fear, anger, remorse and regrets that there was something defective in me and about me. My thrown life had me believing the answers to my life challenges and hardships were out there somewhere and with other people instead learning to forgive and love myself at the core of my being. My thrown life even had me believing prayer and meditation weren’t an answer and wouldn’t do any fucking good. 

“…Prayer is when I talk to God. Meditation is when I shut the fuck up and listen…”

Hunter

But my thrown life missed that God was walking with me and lovingly guiding me thru all this shit with a mighty purpose. My thrown life never conceived that by the love, mercy and grace of my Higher Power, and a spiritual awakening, I would be blessed to be a blessing to others because of A Thrown Life. It’s said In These Rooms “…no one enters these rooms on a winning streak…” That be me. Thanks be to God I was fucking brought In These Rooms because of A Thrown Life.

Read more about Kirk, Fr. Esteban and Sean Anderson and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #AThrownLifeMatters

Dawn is a 40-year-old divorced white female. She is a commercial pilot who has had three DWI arrests and tried to commit suicide twice. She has two teenage children who have disowned her and most of her family will have nothing to do with her. She was court mandated to come In These Rooms. Today, she swears recovery is the best thing that ever happened to her and that the people In These Rooms are her family. Dawn said today she was surprised to find “… a lot of people don’t even know there are stories in the back of the book. Aren’t they meant to be like kind of Cliff Notes or a cheat sheet in the back of the book of life?”

“…I sit in the back of the room and cheat a lot in school, looking at the answers in the back of the book and off other people’s papers. I get over this way. I haven’t done the work but this is better than admitting I haven’t done my homework. I’m glad the answers are there. I don’t really like all this school stuff but I do what I have to. I’m glad the Stories in the Back are there. I think the stories and answers in the back, and on other people’s papers, will get me thru school. I don’t know what’s gonna happen in real life…”

Doug

“…Stories in the Back are the shit I never want to talk about. Stories in the back are about the shit I sweep under the rug so I can keep moving. Stories in the Back are the shit I’ve learned to bury and even forgotten. Stories in the Back are the lies I tell myself and have buried in the past. Stories in the Back help me move on in life. Not tending to the Stories in the Back, this helps me make shit better and less conflicted. I don’t find Stories in the Back to be the answers. Stories in the Back are where I learned to be the shit and problems I don’t want to deal with…”

Kirk

“…Stories in the Back are part of my life and who I am. Stories in the Back are questions and answers. Stories in the Back are the source of my laughter and my tears. Some of the Stories in the Back I hoped to never see again nor talk about. Stories in the Back have given me a joy and laughter I never imagined I could know. I love the Stories in the Back. They help me know and understand who I am and who and how great my Higher Power is. Stories in the Back show me my Higher Power has a grand goddamn sense of humor…”

Yalie

“…Stories in the Back are how I have lived life and survived. I’ve pushed shit to the back so I can get ahead. There’s shit in my background I wish I could fuckin remember. There’s a hole in my story today because I’ve lost the Stories in the Back. There’s a hole in understanding who I am because I can’t recall Stories in the Back. Many of my Stories in the Back have been filled with so much guilt, shame and remorse I’ve buried them or wish I could. I carry my Stories in the Back as I carry the baggage of my past. Stories in the Back will one day be the life of me. If not, Stories in the Back will probably one day be the death of me…”

Hunter

Stories in the Back is not a cheat sheet on life or in life. Stories in the Back are Life. Stories in the Back are about the stuff, much of it unresolved, that drive us, trigger us and motivate us every day. Stories in the Back are not about something in the back of a book or in the back of our lives. Stories in the Back are the story we’re living every day, right now and will live again tomorrow if nothing changes.

Step 3 of the Big Book In These Rooms says “…Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of a Higher Power as we understood this Power…”

“…As we understood this Power…” the good book says. I understand Him as the God who has shown up in the ugliest moments, situations and circumstances of my life with a Word and Message of hope for me and more importantly my Stories in the Back. I understand Him as a God who is the Power to redeem my Stories in the Back for my good and the fucking good of others. I understand Him to be a God who has walked every step of this journey with me and never turned his back on me for one minute during whatever shit I brought down on myself. My God has been there thru every fucking moment of my good and the bad sustaining me thru it all and giving me the power to live thru the Stories in the Back and the awareness, consciousness and wisdom to find in it blessings for me that will be blessings for others. Like I said, the Stories in the Back ain’t no damn cheat sheet on life. Stories in the Back are life and Stories of His Power helping me find ways out of my fucking no ways and greater purpose for my life and more importantly all the shit I fucking been thru. This is the Stories in the Back.

Read more about Doug, Kirk, Yalie and Hunter and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #BackStoriesMatter

The Struggle Continues….

Samantha is 33 years old and openly lesbian. She is a newspaper writer and acknowledges she likes to drink and get high. She has been sober for three years after spending 6 months in the Jail for her 3rd DWI. Her last DWI also involved an accident in which her life partner was severely injured and had to spend 8 months in the hospital in traction with a broken back, both legs and an ankle. Her life partner was also intoxicated at the time of the accident. In These Rooms this morning, Samantha said “…given the shit I’ve been thru, there are two kinds of days in my life. Not good or bad but good and Character Building…”

“…Character Building for me is learning not to take the shit life throws at me too damn seriously. This understanding is also the source of some damn good comedy. My life has been a long-term roller-coaster ride. There’s been a hell of a lot of joy and hell of a lot of fear and even pain. Character Building is the acceptance of both as the acceptance of life-on-life’s-terms instead of hoping against hope, and fucking deluding myself, that I’m gonna get one without the other. The funny thing is this joke has been on me. Character Building is the strength I have developed to laugh when I’m standing on the mountaintop and the sun is shining bright and also laugh when I’m in the valley in darkness of night. Laughter and comedy ain’t about entertainment for me. They are the core of my Character Building…”

Yalie

“…Some fucking days you eat the bear and some days the bear eats you. I ain’t about all that Character Building shit. I get up in the morning with one fucking thing on my mind—let’s get ready to rumble. When I lay my head down at night, I’m either the fucking winner or the loser. Winning is Character Building. Losing fucking sucks. If your definition of Character Building is putting days of winning together, I’m down with that shit. Ain’t shit Character Building about them fucking days of losing. You can keep that shit to your damn self…”

Fr. Esteban

“…The struggles of life I’m talking about ain’t just Character Building. These struggles are fucking character revealing. Good days, bad days or so-called Character Building days, these days have in common that they show me who I am and some of the deepest aspects of my personality. I don’t know if struggle builds character but I know it shows us our fucking inner characters. I heard this Cat say In These Rooms this morning “…wrapped up in myself makes a very small package…” This shit is true if one is in denial about their inner characters. For me, they take up the whole room and they ain’t no fucking small package. This is what I know about Character Building…”

Hunter

‘…Money is a magnifier. Whatever we are without it, we are more of the same with it Maan. Character Building has taught me this. I thought the money made me something. I was all wrong. I have not had to live with financial challenges by birth and choice. But I didn’t like my life much with all my money. I wanted more. I wanted what money couldn’t buy. I wanted and needed to make a difference. I wanted more than wealth. I wanted character; I wanted to be a Man of character. This is Character Building to me. There’s a better way to live. That’s what Character Building has taught me. Searching for a better way to live, I found Character Building is being authentic. Character Building is finding the strength to share the money and the love. Character Building is the gratitude I feel knowing I won’t be put in the ground without making a difference in this world. I am grateful I know life is about so much more than money. That’s Character Building Maan…”

Sean Anderson

Character Building is a big subject. I dig where Samantha is coming from regarding good days and Character Building days. I like how this topic occurs to her. I like the positive attitude that says Character Building days can be some of the best days of our lives. 

“…To accept the responsibility of being a child of God is to accept the best that life has to offer you…”

Stella Terrill Mann

Character Building ain’t just the shit I’ve had to go thru to get here today. I don’t buy the BS people have tried to sell me over the years about “…the stuff that don’t kill you will make you stronger…” I didn’t need to go thru any of the shit above to get stronger. I don’t believe that’s how God works. I went thru this shit because this is all part of who the fuck I am. I haven’t gone thru this shit for no fucking Character Building. I’ve gone thru this shit because life is often fucked up and I’ve been too fucking stupid to realize what God wants for me. I believe God has always wanted and still wants the very best for me but I’ve been to filled with guilt, shame, fear, anger, and who knows what the fuck else, to receive and walk in the innumerable power and benefits of His Love, Mercy and Blessings. Today, I know at the core of my being I’ve always been His badass child becoming more fully human and beautiful. This is how He made me and He don’t fucking make junk. If learning this is what Samantha was talking about with this topic of Character Building, then hell yeah, I’m down with that shit.

Read more about Yalie, Fr. Esteban, Hunter Sean Anderson and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #CharacterBuildingMatters

The Struggle Continues….

Stacy is 37-year-old mother of three small children and a Sales Manager for a local car dealership. Her presence In These Rooms is court mandated after receiving her second DWI in the last 13months. Stacy and her husband are in counseling after he served her with divorce papers and threatened to divorce her and take custody of their children. The Car Dealership has taken her off the floor for 90 days without pay and required her to get and come back clean or be terminated. She’s been coming In These Rooms for just over a month with the goal of completing 90 meetings in 90 days. Stacy stated in her share this morning 

“…I came in here to get sober but I had a Psychic Change…”

An old man was walking home late one night when he saw a friend on his knees under a streetlight, searching for something. “What are you doing?” he asked his friend. 

“…I dropped the key to my house…” 

“…I’ll help you look…” his friend replied. 

After a few minutes of frustrated searching, the old man asked, “…Where exactly where you when you dropped this key?” 

His friend pointed toward the darkness. “…Over there….” 

“…Then why are you looking for it here?” 

“…Because this is where the light is…”

Psychic Change is often understood as moving into, walking in and even staying in the light. I call this making the move from good to bad or sick to well. The following are different perspectives on Psychic Change.

“…Yea, the light is cool but some of the best shit that adds meaning and value to our stories, and our lives, goes down in the dark…”

Hunter

“…Psychic Change for me has been finding even humor in the pain of my past. Psychic Change isn’t easy. I have not mastered it. Though I have found even humor in the shit of my past, I haven’t fucking forgiven anyone for the shit they did to me. I have come to understand what people meant for harm or bad to me, my High Power is able to help me find meaning in for my good and the good of others. For me, Psychic Change is understanding the worst thing that ever happened to me was seeing myself as others see me instead of how God sees me. I call this “…paying the cost of trying to be good instead of being authentic…” Real talk, fuck comedy, that shit ain’t funny…”

Yalie

“…Psychic Change is seeing the world and people thru a different set of glasses, a better set and a more beautiful set. Psychic Change is choosing to see the world and people not as they are but as God would have them, wants them to be and created them to be. I do not do this perfectly. I do not think any of us do. Psychic Charge is not something that happened or happens to us. Psychic Change is something that is happening to us and in us when we are being who God created us to be, doing what God wants us to do to make of this a better world and, when we allow His Grace and Mercy to make of our feeble efforts miraculous and wonderful changes that are seemingly greater than anything we could ask or imagine…”

The Professor

“…Psychic Change is the power for me found in the valleys of life. I’ve never been to Las Vegas. I’m often asked is that because I have a problem with gambling. I answer “…Hell no. I gamble every day with my in real time. I don’t need the cheap fuckin thrills found in casinos…” 

I walk on the dark side and thru the valleys every day and take pride in the strength I’ve found in walking thru them. I like walking on the dark side and in the valleys because here I feel at home. It is here I’m reminded we are all fallen, flawed and fallible. We all have our demons. We are all trying to get home the best fucking way we know how. This is Psychic Change for me…”

Hunter

Psychic Change doesn’t have to or need to be a just a matter of who I am, what I am or the shit I’ve done. Psychic Change can be a matter of whose I am and what is purposed for me. This form of Psychic Change ain’t found in the fucking light. This form of Psychic Change is understanding he led me to it in order to lead me thru it to be a blessing to someone else. This form of Psychic Change is understanding the one who made us don’t make junk and the darkness of our lives can be our mess for His Message. 

Step 2 of the Big Book In These Rooms says “…Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity…” My Psychic Change is belief in a God that has shown me His power is as powerful in the dark as the light. It is said “God works both side of the street and down the fucking middle…” My Psychic Change is believing in a God that can show up wearing a really ugly outfit. This God can make a straight lick with a crooked stick. I know because I resemble that remark. This God has shown me He is all that. Psychic Change for me is finding the courage to walk in this understanding. That’s the courage of the Biblical Character Job who said “…Though He Slay me, yet shall I serve Him…” This is my fuckin Psychic Change.

Read more about Yalie, The Professor and Hunter and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #PsychicChangeMatters

The Struggle Continues….

Jill is a 33-year-old openly transgender ICU Nurse. She said In These Rooms this morning “…Negative Self-Talk is the voice in my head that tells me to do fucked up shit like drinking and using. My partner calls me schizophrenic. I am not schizophrenic. I’ve never had a DWI or allowed my drinking to keep me from doing my job. Yes, I have tried taking my life three times. But like other weird mother fuckers In These Rooms, I just hear a weird voice in my head who’s trying to kill me…”

Negative Self-Talk is the talk in my head that had me chasing bad to good and sick to well and believing that changing the so-called character defects in my behavior and actions was the true nature of transformation. Negative Self-Talk sounds different to different people and can take on different forms. Various forms of Negative Self-Talk have in common that they put us down instead of lifting us up.

“…I am less than and inferior to others because I’m not like them and don’t have what they have. I need people’s approval and things to feel whole and feel good about myself. I feel I have degraded myself to fit in and have friends. I don’t believe the people I hang with are really my friends. How could they be true friends? They don’t know me; they don’t care about me. They use me for what I have and what I’m willing to give them to be my friends…”

Doug

“…I am nothing without the acceptance and approval of others. I’m nothing without my shit. I have to have shit to be somebody and that’s what the fuck I am going to do; that’s me doing what I do. I need to succeed by any means necessary and I will. I can. If I don’t succeed, it’s on me. I believe “…If you ain’t cheating you ain’t trying…” This is the way life is when I get real about how things and this fucking world works. I can’t let people and the world know this is how I think and what I’m really about. Keeping this shit to myself is how I’m gonna make it. I’m gonna make it or fucking die trying…”

Kirk

“…If people really knew who I am, they wouldn’t like me. I must keep up this pretense of being somebody I’m not. It’s working. I’m getting the things I want and I’m doing well academically and this is my ticket. As long as I continue to do well academically, I’m going to keep rolling like this. I must keep rolling like this.  I’m better than good at pretending; I’m the master at it. I’m nothing if I’m not who I’m pretending to be…”

Stephen

“…People would look down on me if they knew what I’ve done. If they knew I had a gay relationship for 14 years so I could get ahead, they would despise me. Look what this has gotten me! I’m dishonest to the core because I’m not honest with myself. I’m a sellout. That’s who I am; that’s all I am. I’m to blame for being molested. It’s what I was willing to do to make it. It’s what I was willing to do to get ahead. My life is the embodiment of the race to the bottom and I fucking lost a longtime ago. Nobody can help me because nobody knows how wounded and broken, I was and still am…”

Yalie

“…Overcoming our Negative Self-Talk is fundamental to seeing ourselves as God sees us, knowing how God created us and living into the lives God has purposed for us…”

The Professor 

I have struggled all my life with Negative Self-Talk. I know the Negative Self-Talk Jill shared about only too well. This talk drove me to do things I never thought I would do. This Negative Self-Talk caused me to become somebody I didn’t want to be and never thought I would become. Like Jill, Negative Self-Talk once had me wanting to take my broken and seemingly worthless life. That’s where this fucking Negative Self-Talk had me. It had me filled with shame and unworthiness. It had me regretting my past and pessimistic to point of wanting to die when I too contemplated the future.

Today, I am in a much better place when it comes to Negative Self-Talk. I have given Negative Self-Talk the names you’ll find In These Rooms Blogs: Stevie Wonders, Douglas (Doug), Kirk, Stephen, Yalie, The Professor, X, Fr. Esteban and Hunter. Today, I own this Negative Self-Talk is a part of who I am. Negative Self-Talk ain’t goin any fucking where. I’ve given it the names listed above because I’ve got to deal with this shit until they put my black ass in the ground. Today, I don’t bitch and moan about Negative Self-Talk. I use it for my good. I use it to help me make sense of this fucking life and get where the fuck I’m going. Unlike my doubting and hating family who turned their backs on me as they watched Negative Self-Talk apparently take me out as my life spiraled downward, the characters of my Negative Self-Talk, those named above, have become the inner characters of my life and my best friends. Negative Self-Talk has manifested in my life as voices in my head and people, places and things. Today, the Negative Self-Talk I once thought only meant me evil I now know meant and means for me fucking good. Negative Self-Talk is how by the grace of God I am a badass becoming more fully human and beautiful. Today, I thank God for the fucking redemptive power I have found and can be found in Negative Self-Talk.

Read more about Doug, Kirk, Stephen and Yalie and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #SelfTalkMatters

The Struggle Continues….

In These Rooms this morning, Tommie described the shit of alcoholism as “…being like a slave; drinking and drugging is some fucking Bondage. It’s fucking being uncomfortable in my own skin…” Tommie is a 36-year-old meth dealer out of jail on bond. He began drinking at age 12 and hasn’t stopped. It has destroyed three marriages and cost him several gigs in his chosen profession of photography. He says, “…I was highly respected in the field and do great work when I’m not drinking, using or both. I love photography but most days I love the booze and meth more, more than the relationship and my profession. I’m drinking my gift and a wonderful career down the drain. Some days I wish this shit could be different…”

“…Getting comfortable in our own skin is a major step in the world of recovery and transformation…”

The Professor

In the Old Testament Story of the Children of Israel, God delivered them from their Bondage in Egypt under Pharaoh. He delivered them from their Bondage but they still wandered in the desert for 40 years because they weren’t free. They still had the slave mentality of their experience in Egypt on their minds and in their hearts. God will deliver us but we, like the Children of Israel, must work to free ourselves.

“…Life with no forgiveness of myself for the shit I’ve been thru is my Bondage. I need laughter to get thru each day. If I can’t laugh today, I’m not free. It takes me as much energy to laugh as it does to cry. I’ve got plenty of shit every day to cry about. But I choose to fucking laugh. When I do, I feel a hell of a lot better...”

Yalie

“…Defining myself according to how I thought others saw me, my past, my inner antagonist and cursing the potter for how he made my pot, this has been my Bondage. I wanted people who are crazier than me to accept me and love. You want to talk about Bondage, how crazy is that shit?”

Hunter

“…Money over mission; worshiping man and mammon. That’s Bondage. Been there Man and done that. Money no longer makes me nor defines how I look at life. Make no mistake: its good having money. Damn good and I’ve made plenty of it. But it no longer affects my attitude toward life nor people. Today, I am using it instead of allowing it to control me. I am using it to make a difference in this world…”

Sean Anderson

“…Life without authentic lived truth is the definition of Bondage. Truth is essential to freedom. I am not living if I cannot face the man in the mirror and feel good about who and what I see. This is key to me for living. I think the absence of this capacity is not living but merely existing…”  

The Professor

I think Bondage means different things to different people. What we share if we desire freedom is there’s work to be done. I’m determined not to let the chains of my Bondage be the end of my story. I am determined to make Bondage be my door to relevance, significance and possibly greatness. As a badass becoming more fully human and beautiful, I am determined to never let people, places or things ever again make me believe dropping the chains of my Bondage must be anything less for me. 

Bondage is a part of my story but I am determined to die on my feet making something great out of it rather than live another day on my knees lamenting the Bondage of my past.

Read more about Hunter, Yalie, The Professor and Sean Anderson and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #BondageMatters

The Struggle Continues….