In These Rooms Blog

Damon is a 29-year-old Black bank manager. He’s been drinking since he was 16 years old and said of drinking that it had largely destroyed his life. In Damon’s In These Rooms share, he stated “… I don’t have a record. I’m not homeless. I don’t sleep under the bridge but I now understand I am an alcoholic. Alcohol has destroyed my life. It cost me everything that was important to me: my family, my children, everything but my job. I’d trade the job tomorrow to have my life and family back. I wasted years out there. I’m working this program and thanks to this program I’m not wasting time anymore…”

Promise 11 of the Big Book In These Rooms states, “…we will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us…” This intuition of Promise 11 goes down in Real Time. Real Time ain’t about the past and what we used to do. In Real time, nobody gives a damn about who we used to be. In Real Time, it doesn’t fucking matter if they did. Real Time is about the things, the actions and/or the behaviors we’re rolling with now. Real Time ain’t about the shit we swear we’re not going to do sometime in the future. Legendary Comedian Flip Wilson used to play a character called Rev. Leroy. Rev. Leroy pastored the “Church of What’s Happening Now.” Rev. Leroy was known for saying ”… don’t tell me about what you used to do. Don’t tell me about what you’re gonna do. I want to know what’s happenin now…” Amen Rev. In the Chinese language, the symbol for opportunity is also the symbol for crisis. Opportunity and crisis have in common they both happen in Real Time, the fucking eternal now.

“…People spend time they don’t have, doin’ shit that ain’t goin’ make a fuckin bit of difference, tryin’ to impress motherfuckers they don’t even like. What a fucking waste of time. Then they use the spiritual cop out, excuse, of blamin’ shit on in God’s Time. Give me a F-ing break…” 

Fr. Esteban

“…Looking back, I’ve spent plenty of time regretting the past. I’ve spent time dwelling on negativities of life, playing and going thru life on the defensive. I’ve spent time focusing on the ways I generally felt life sucked. What a waste of time…”

X

“…I have spent more time than I care to admit starring in the Victim Olympics. I used to love a good pity party. My life was a constant reframing of Snow White… “…mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the most victimized of us all?” This wasn’t life; this was a tremendous waste of time…”

Yalie 

Real Time is a moment in crisis or opportunity when we have the intuition of Promise 11 and know what to fucking do in Real Time. Real Time is the moment at which we can make our difference in this world. Real Time is the moment where our reason for being on this earth is intuitively answered for us. It’s said In These Rooms,”…if we have a foot in the past and one foot in the future, we are shitting on the present…” Real Time is the present. Real Time is where the shit goes down that gives us the beautiful space to be and do what we might never be afforded a chance to be and/or do again. Real Time is not forever but it’s implications, consequences and repercussions can be a gift that gives for eternity. This is the beauty and blessing of finding the meaning and power in Real Time.

As my sponsor Dr. JJ is known to say, More to Come…

Read more about X, Yalie, and Fr. Esteban and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #RealTimeMatters 

The Struggle Continues….

Scott is a white 38-year-old plant engineer. He is married but sleeps in the family guest bedroom. His wife of thirteen years isn’t divorcing him for their children’s sake. But she told him “…we may live under the same roof but we ain’t sleeping together…” Scott is facing a 5-year prison sentence for his third DWI in the last two years. In his In These Rooms share, he said “…Life gets a lot better. My sponsor keeps telling me that’s the blessing of the program…” Life getting a lot better, That’s The Game.

Life is not a fucking game. I heard it said, “…life’s a bitch and then you die…” Life is many things to many people but Scott’s share In These Rooms reminded me it ain’t a fucking game. It’s not a fucking game I get it. Does that mean we shouldn’t approach it or play it like a game? I was having a conversation with my sponsor Dr. JJ about my last blog on The Coolest Part. Dr. JJ shared with me about professional athletes who are masters of their craft, their game. He stated they share the skill of being able to slow the games they play down to the point where things appear to be happening in slow motion. The slowing of things to this point allows these amazing athletes to calculate and make the best decisions humanly possible in a matter of seconds. 

Promise 2 of the Big Book In These Rooms says “…we are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness…” This is certainly life getting a lot better. How do we get there? Like these masters in sports, we need thinking that facilitates the achievement of our greatest aspirations while slowing down our decision making long enough to make the best decisions for us and others possible. That’s The Game. How can we achieve this? How do we get to this type of thinking?

Promise 3 says “…we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.…” We need to get real about the past without regrets. This can be game-changing life thinking. 

“…Regrets? Got no time for them shits. I put them in the rear-view mirror. I got a life to live. I feel fuckin’ amazing today livin’ ghetto fabulous and I ain’t lettin’ no shit from the past fuckin’ get in the way of the good shit I’m rollin’ with today…” 

Fr. Esteban

“…I know regretting and I know freedom. I choose freedom every day of the week and twice on Sunday. Problem is choosing is not enough. Live intervenes if I like it or not. My life is okay today because I’m learning to trust in a power greater than myself. This walk has been simple and at the same time it’s been difficult as hell…”

X

“…It’s said time is money. When I look at the time I wasted chasing things and people in life that don’t matter, I wasted a lot of money Maan. Do I regret this? Yes. I’m learning not to but this isn’t always easy. This journey is one day at a time. Some days that’s an understatement indeed…”

Sean Anderson

Embracing the past without taking prisoners or letting the past control our narrative, this is living life without regrets. Focusing on living our best life today instead of in the past, this is life without regrets. 

This is not an argument for denying our past. The pivotal question is how do we use the wreckage of our past to create a compelling narrative for our future? How do we use this compelling narrative at critical moments to make the most empowering decisions regarding our future? That’s The Game.

Promise 5 states “…no matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others…” The past is fact. Facts are data. Data informs but it doesn’t have to limit the present nor define the future. I call the experience of my shit being of benefit to others finding my WHY. That’s The Game I want to win.

“…Laughter in the midst of shit, that’s my WHY. I am going thru some difficult financial stuff right now. Money ain’t growing on trees right now. I have plenty to cry over but I’m going to laugh at the worry, self-pity and fear. They are with me but they don’t get to drive the car. I’ve learned to laugh at their driving. This is part of remaining sane and finding and embracing my WHY…” 

Yalie

“…Liberating others with empowering words. That’s my WHY. I know my Words have power…”

the Professor

“…Telling stories that make a difference to others. That’s my WHY. If people ain’t fans of this work, fuck ‘em. Life is too short. I have a difference to make and I will never make it listening to folks who don’t give a damn. This is finding and being committed to my WHY…” 

Hunter

I said earlier life is not a game. Well in some respects or aspects it is kind of a game. Among card players and gamblers, it’s said “…when you walk in a room and don’t see a mark, it’s because it’s you…” Again, Promise 2 states “…we are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness…” We may not be card players or gamblers. But if we have not experienced the freedom as Promise 2 states, maybe it’s because we are the mark in the game of life. If we have not yet found life is getting better, maybe it’s because we are allowing people, places and things to manipulate and control us. If we have yet to come to the realization that God is doing more for us right now than we could ever do for ourselves, maybe we can benefit from the lessons Sean Anderson acknowledged he needed to learn: 1) how to trust the God of my  understanding; 2) how to interact with God and to understand I am perfectly created by Him; 3) how to feel God’s presence with me; 4) how to love the God of my understanding; and 5)  how to “be present” in those pivotal moments in my daily experiences when I am about to make some unwise choices, and how to find the God of my understanding in these pivotal moments.

Getting to this level of consciousness, this is when life gets better and we stop being and playing the mark. Getting to this level of consciousness, this is when we begin to see ourselves as God sees us and become what God would have us become. This is when we no longer regret the past. This is when we experience the Power of our WHY for life. This is when we catch a glimpse of our true north and a new heaven and earth. That’s life getting a whole lot fucking better. I don’t’ know about you Scott but this is The Game I’m determined my blackass is going to win.

Read more about X, Yalie, Fr. Esteban, the Professor, Sean Anderson and Hunter and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #TheGameMatters 

The Struggle Continues….

Tiffanie is a 33-year-old Hispanic private commercial pilot. She is openly lesbian and has a 10-year life partner. They both have been In These Rooms and out since they first met. Tiffanie has completed the Steps 3 times but has also gone back out or relapsed 4 times since she entered the program. She has received 3 DUIs over the past five years but is adamant that In These Rooms she’s come to find a way of life she believes is the best thing that ever happened to her. In Tiffanie’s share, she stated “…the coolest part of coming In These Rooms and looking at our shit is we get to slow down. We get to be like the tortoise and slow down so we can see everything…” Step 2 of the Big Book In These Rooms says “…came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity…”

Don’t know about that tortoise shit but I’m down with The Coolest Part being looking at our shit and dealing with our authentic lived truth. I am down with getting real anytime anywhere. I don’t know about the tortoise shit but I am down with deepening my understanding of how to live trusting in God. Nah, I ain’t feeling the tortoise shit but I am down with no longer stressing over shit that I can’t change anyway. I’m down with changing my attitude when I can’t fucking change anything else.

Step 2 talks about being restored to sanity. I see dealing with our shit as looking at how we stay trapped in the cycles of pain from the past and in playing the victim. It’s said “…Enjoy yourself. It’s later than you think…” Sometimes it takes understanding how late it is for us to get serious about being restored to sanity. 

“…I know about playing the victim and staying enslaved to my past. For years, I allowed the past to define my present and limit my future. I thought I was the things I had done and what others said and thought about me. There’s nothing cool about this…”

X

“…Playin the victim and stayin stuck in the past, I think that shit is the definition of insanity. Ain’t nothin cool about that shit at all. If shit holds you down or holds you back, get over that shit. I’m not what I did. I’m not what others have tried to do to me or say about my black ass. I am fuckin who I choose to become…” 

Fr. Esteban

‘…I was stuck in a cycle of pain that made stuff my master. I thought I was free because I had anything and everything money could buy, Maan. I thought this was the definition of cool. I spent my life buying things I didn’t really need to impress people I didn’t even like. I didn’t have a life; I had an existence…”

Sean Anderson

Education is defined as “…leading out of darkness…” We can’t teach what we don’t know and we can’t lead where we’re not willing to go. I believe The Coolest Part about coming In These Rooms is finding what is unique and special about our stories. The Coolest Part of coming In These Rooms I think is finding and understanding our WHY.

“…The Coolest Part of coming in here is finding the power of laughter and humor in life no matter what I have experienced or how far down I have fallen. The Coolest Part is the shit I can’t forgive I have found the power to laugh at. If you don’t learn to laugh at yourself in these rooms, you’re gonna miss the biggest joke that ever crawled thru the door…”

Yalie

“…The Coolest Part of coming in here is finding a Higher Power and having both my mind and heart set free. I found the strength to be and become the change I want to see and become in here…”

the Professor

“…The Coolest Part of coming in here is learning to change the script of my life, play different roles and most importantly to tell a new and empowering story. This is the story of my experience, strength and hope and the courage I have come to know in telling my authentic lived truth, trusting in God and being willing to be radically vulnerable. The Coolest Part is getting to see my story as part of a larger story…”

Hunter

The 9th Promise of the Big Book In These Rooms says “…our whole attitude and outlook on life will change…” That’s definitely some cool shit. The Coolest Part is we can be free to be the hero of our own stories. You’re spot on Tiffanie. When we slow down, we can get into Step 2 and realize we no longer have to be chained to the pain cycles of the past and playing victim and instead can become the hero of the stories we always wanted and were meant to be. When we slow down, we can experience Promise 9 and being the hero of our stories begins to look like finding our WHY in life. It looks like a willingness to share our authentic lived truth without shame or fear of reprisal from others. It looks like a commitment to trust the God of our un-understanding. It looks like being more than the hell we’re going thru by trusting in a power greater than ourselves. It looks like getting radically vulnerable like it’s said in John 8:32 “…you shall know the truth and the truth will set you free…”

But here is the other reality of Coming In These Rooms and slowing down, Tiffanie. Coming In These Rooms, that doesn’t change the fact we live in the real world of all kinds of shit going down. We live in the world of people, places and things and have to deal with the repercussions from the tales our wreckage and often find ourselves co-signing other peoples’ bull shit. We live in a world that will kick our ass and step on our fucking moral compass. We have to deal daily with shit that doesn’t make sense and ain’t fucking true. Playing the victim and staying stuck in cycles of pain from the past doesn’t change easily or overnight. We have to deal the fuck with it. People say “…this too shall pass…” But like having gas, sometimes that shit don’t pass fast enough. What the fuck. Coming in here doesn’t change any of this shit as fact Tiffanie. There ain’t nothing cool about the reality out there or in here and it don’t fucking end just because I bring my blackass thru that door. This is something we have to deal with. Coming In These Rooms, ain’t a guarantee of shit. That ain’t cool but it fucking is life.

This truth and reality notwithstanding, there is The Coolest Part. The Coolest Part of coming in here is when we find the time, space or capacity to separate the bull shit from reality. We’re constantly bombarded with shit in life. It’s said “…when you don’t know where you’re going, any fucking road will get you there.” The Coolest Part of coming In These Rooms is getting real about the shit in our lives that keeps us from seeing a glimpse of our True North. The Coolest Part about coming in here, Tiffanie, is learning not to just look back but to look up and to see and trust in that God of our un-understanding. We learn to look up at a God who is always doing more for us than we can ever do for our damn selves. This is The Coolest Part.

Read more about X, Yalie, Fr. Esteban, the Professor, Sean Anderson and Hunter and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #TheCoolestPartMatters 

The Struggle Continues….

Karen is a 30-year-old Black single mother of two boys ages 8 and 10 years old. She says she has been on her own since her oldest son was born. She owns several small businesses but struggles with what she calls “…keeping up with the Joneses…” and drinking to the point of blacking out and driving under the influence. Karen hasn’t received a DWI in several years but says she knows she is still an alcoholic. In Karen’s share In These Rooms, she said “…I know this program can work but it hasn’t worked for me. This is just my story…” 

We all have a life to live and a story to tell. We all have a past. We all have done shit we are less than proud or would like to forget. We all have or had shit happen to us that has caused us hurt and pain. We are all up to some shit. I had this conversation with this Cat who is a former gangster. He asked me how many people I thought were some type of gangster or criminal? I said 100%. I believe we are all going thru some shit and all up to some shit. 

“…My struggles with material concerns and desires consumed me, Maan. I thought I had money and stuff but they had me. I still struggle with demons of the past and regrets for the years I spent investing time and energy in existence instead of living…”

Sean Anderson

“…It’s said we ought to forgive and forget. I was having none of it. I have been obsessed with the things done to me and the things I have been thru. There were people I hated. I mostly hated myself. I hated my life and my story…”

Yalie

“…I’m no longer what I did. I’m no longer what was done to me. I am what I chose to become. I am a beautiful child struggling to become all I can become. I hope tomorrow I will be more than I was yesterday and even today…”

X

Shit happens for all of us Karen. We have all done shit. We all have had shit done to us. This doesn’t have to be end of the story. Life doesn’t have to be Just My Story. 

Step 11 of the Big Book In These Rooms states “…sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with a Higher Power as we understood this Power, praying only for knowledge of the Power’s Will for us and the power to carry that out…”

“…I’m done payin for the shit from the past. The cost of dwellin on the past and allowin that shit to define the present or control the future is too fuckin great. I paid for that shit for years but not fuckin today. Ain’t no stoppin my black ass now…”

Fr. Estaban

“…Authentic storytelling or transformation for me was not about people, places and things. Transformation began for me when I started bringing the sunlight of the spirit to my story. If it doesn’t change anything outside of me, the sunlight of the spirit of truth and trust in tomorrow changed my attitude…”

Hunter

“…I know the power of transformation is in the power I possess to step out of the story I used to tell. I have a different story I can tell today that is not solely based on the past. This story is not limited to the present. I call this story the future…”

the Professor

Karen, I was taking a picture on my iPhone the other day. I noticed I can change the magnification to enlarge or shrink the picture I’m taking. It occurred to me this is also true in life. For example, how things occur to us can be enlarged or shrunken based on the lens thru which we view them or the magnification we ascribe to them. Our lives and our stories can be viewed thru the smaller lens of Just My Story or we can view them thru the larger lens of God’s Story and our little chapter. The magnification of and on life doesn’t have to be about Just My Story. The magnification can be enlarged so I can see maybe a glimpse of what God is up to in my life or my true north.

I struggle in life when I struggle with this magnification shit. I struggle because I struggle with knowing and more importantly doing God’s Will. I have hope because I know God and I know how to trust God. But I still struggle with knowing and doing His will. While I’m speaking of will, let me own that the relevant question for me today, Karen, is what the fuck will I do tomorrow or the next day to keep alive this hope I have? Will I keep hope alive by remembering to adjust the magnification or will I continue to see life thru the lens of Just My Story? 

Back to that conversation with the former Gangster. He didn’t like me saying it but I don’t give a damn,

“…We are all fallen, flawed and fallible. We all have our demons. We all put our pants on one leg at a time. Most of us sit down to shit and we all have gangster proclivities. No one is better than anyone else for everybody has some shit going on and the ground is level at the foot of the cross. We are all trying to get home the best fucking way we know how…”

Hunter

The fact of the matter, Karen, is Just My Story is just a glimpse of a Larger Story of God’s love and care for all His children. Just My Story is my story of getting my black ass back to Him. There are times when I have this tall, big wall of a cold black heart towards the things in life that are of greatest import and value. I want to control everything and everybody in Just My Story down to who even gets to hurt me. But despite my protestations in life to the contrary, me and Just My Story ain’t in charge of shit. Just My Story ain’t the be-all or the end-all of shit. I heard it said In These Rooms“…If you don’t learn to laugh at yourself, you’re gonna miss the biggest joke that ever crawled into these rooms…” There’s a joke in here Karen. That joke is Just My Story and the author of life’s Larger Story is laughing at it all the time. That’s Just My Story but I’m sticking to it….

Read more about X, Yalie, Fr. Esteban, the Professor, Sean Anderson and Hunter and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #JustMyStoryMatters 

The Struggle Continues….

Beth is a white 32-year-old mother of three boys. She is twice divorced and her children have two different fathers. She is a baker and a computer coder. Two weeks ago, Beth received her 3rd DWI in the last 24 months. Her children are in the care of Child Protective Services (CPS). She is looking at 3-5 on her last DWI case. She was driving during what she called “black out drunk” and hit a pedestrian in the cross walk. She smashed her car into another vehicle carrying a mother and her infant child. The child has a broken arm and a punctured lung. The mother will require back surgery. Beth said In These Rooms “…I’m learning this program isn’t teaching me not to drink to live. This program is teaching me to live without drinking…”

Living is about identifying and changing the roles and scripts that get in the way of our playing our characters to the best of our ability. I heard it said the person who has not found something in life so important and meaningful they are willing to die for it if necessary, they aren’t living. They are merely existing. Beth, I think Living can be reduced to a basic but important question: how free do you want to be?

Step 11 of the Big Book In These Rooms states “…sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with a Higher Power as we understood this Power, praying only for knowledge of the Power’s Will for us and the power to carry that out…”

“…I know existing and I know living. I don’t want to ever go back to just existing. Existing is living so far below my means and who I am. I had things but never felt I measured up. Existing was never becoming who I really am nor what my Higher Power wanted me to be and become. This is existing and it’s below my means…”

Sean Anderson

“…Existence is life on other people’s terms and according to the dictates of others. Existence is being pushed down and hard pressed by people, places and things. Existence is feeling crushed and forsaken by life. I know what it means to just exist…”

X

“…Mere existence is listenin’ to and learnin’ from fools. Show me your damn bank statement and your calendar and I tell you if your ass is livin’ or existin’. I can also tell from them if your ass is a fool or not. Fuck existin’. My black ass is about livin’ large and in charge…”

Fr. Esteban 

We stop just existing and start living when we find meaning and purpose in the shit we have been thru or are going thru. We stop just existing and start living when stop regretting the past and allowing it to define and determine the present. I thought I was living for years. I learned In These Rooms I was merely as sick as my secrets and just thought I had it going on.

“…I have something today I never dreamed I would have. I have a joy and hope about people, life and living. I live by turning my life over to God and trusting in God to use my life, my living and even my story to help others and make of this world a better place. I live by seeking his will and the power to carry it out. I live by learning to trust. I am learning to trust God more and more and share my authentic lived truth, believing He can make of it good for His purposes. I am alive thru my willingness to be radically vulnerable about my life and living. This is living for me…” 

the Professor

“…I am an unfolding story. I am a unique person in the story of time that will never be told again. It’s said we either get busy living or we get busy dying. Today, I am living. I choose to be and make the difference I want to see in this world. I remember when life was dark and I was in dark places. I remember when I wanted to burn down most of the shit in my life. Today, I have keys to life and living that are empowering and transformational. Today, I have a life and, even thru the valleys, I am Living…” 

Hunter

“…Living is finding the courage to laugh when I want to cry and the strength to find joy and happiness when others can only see hardship and sacrifice. Living is humor and laughter for me. Humor and laughter are life turned inside out. This is living, life and all its shit turned inside out. The joy, the happiness I find somedays. More than others of course. They are the muscles I have developed from learning thru trusting in My Higher Power that no matter how difficult or dark shit in life can get I can turn it inside out. Living to me is taking the action to change the things I don’t like. If I can’t change them, then I change my attitude. This is humor, comedy and laughter. This is Living…”

Yalie 

I believe Living Beth, that is heroic Living, is embracing the ever-evolving role of being the protagonists of our stories. I see a better world for all humankind and want to do my part to help build it Right Now. I want to help people live not just their stories but their part in God’s Story Right Now. I believe it’s my responsibility to move self to move the world Right Now. This is being the protagonist of my story Right Now.

In the future, being the protagonist of my story might look a hell of a lot different than it does in this present moment. In the future, being the protagonist of my story might look like kicking ass, taking names and burning shit down. Truth of the matter is we are all a cast of characters, Beth, and mine can change on your ass in a damn New York Minute. In the future, being the protagonist of my story might take me to dark places and the story I be telling and, more importantly, Living might be a real shit show. But, in this moment, right now, there are three things I can do and have a fucking modicum of control over. I can trust God. I can clean up my side of the street and I can choose to help others.

The future ain’t promised Beth. The present is all we get to make the world know why the fuck we were here. I’m rolling with the present as my moment of opportunity to be the difference I want to see in this world. In this moment, I have all I need for the man in the mirror to be used by God to save the life of one of his children. This little girl was walking along the seashore. She was throwing beached starfish back in the water. A man noticed what she was doing and commented “…You‘re one person. You can’t possibly make a difference given all these starfish…” She replied as she threw another starfish back in the water, “…I made a difference to that one didn’t I?” You want to really start Living Beth? Go home tonight and write your obituary and start Living that shit. I’m rolling with the present as my moment to be that little girl and a whole lot more. I’m rolling with that little girl’s attitude as a Living attitude. I see in that man’s attitude the “I can’t” attitude, the “I don’t care and the it ain’t my problem” attitude. I see in him just existing. This is my take on Living Beth. I’m about Living it.

Read more about X, Yalie, Fr. Esteban, the Professor, Sean Anderson and Hunter and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #LivingMatters 

The Struggle Continues….

Bret is a 44-year-old Asian surgeon. He‘s twice divorced and has no custodial rights to visit with his children. He has a court hearing in a week after receiving his 3rd DWI. He says he likes to drink to get black-out drunk, especially when coming from Gentlemen’s Clubs. He sees himself and his ex-wife as good friends when he isn’t drinking. Bret said In These Rooms “…If you don’t learn to laugh at yourself, you’re gonna miss the biggest joke that ever crawled into these rooms. When I came in here, I had the gift of desperation…”

It’s not often that desperation is described as a gift, Bret. I don’t think one gets this perspective or receives this gift without making some moves towards transformation. One doesn’t see the beauty of or in the collateral damage of life without more than a superficial understanding of how life can and often does deceive us.

Step 1 of the Big Book In These Rooms states “…We admitted we were powerless over our addiction – that our lives had become unmanageable…”

“…I used to have this rage and hatred in me that was at times uncontrollable. These feelings cost me friends and relationships in the past. I hated the way I felt or was made to feel because of the color of my skin…”

X

“…I needed humor to make sense of and peace with my past. I need to find laughter to keep from crying. I have found a Higher Power that has a sense of humor that is contagious when we cease taking ourselves so damn seriously…” 

Yalie

“…Money had me. I was desperate to be free of being in bondage to material things. I thought I was living and defined life and my success by the stuff I could accumulate. Though I had plenty of money and material blessings, yet my life had become unmanageable…”

Sean Anderson

Ironically, I found the Gift of Desperation in my desperation. What a conundrum. There was no Gift of Desperation for me until l was able enhance my capacity to love and be loved by making peace with my past thru purpose. I needed the past to happen just as it had. I could not be me without the past. I would not have the story I have to tell nor the walk I am able to walk without the shit of my past. My purpose in life is found in the unfolding story of my Gift of Desperation. Today, I see in my past desperation this awesome Gift. And some people don’t believe God has a sense of humor.

“…Always, I mean always being about the money. That’s a fucking gift. If it can’t be monetized, the shit ain’t a gift. That shit is somebody’s damn illusion but not fucking mine…” 

Fr. Esteban

“…The gift of being driven and desperate to achieve academically motivated me to make more of myself than circumstances circumscribed. Desperation helped me to run thru the walls of victimization. The gift of desperation got me out of just being who I was to become who I wanted to be. More importantly, the Gift of Desperation has helped me become the man, the intellectual and the human being God wants me to become…”

The Professor 

“…My passion to find heroic and transformational stories is the fruit of the gift of desperation. This desperation has given me the strength to find meaning and even see light in the most fucked up situations and stories. The is the Gift. It’s the transformational meaning and value in the Tales of the Wreckage of our past and our lives. It’s in there. It’s in the Gift of Desperation…” 

Hunter

With the Gift of Desperation, we can walk a new path and chart a new course, Bret. Because of the Gift of Desperation, I see myself today walking in the promises of God and living happy, joyous and free. Because of the Gift of Desperation, I believe what is often impossible with man is the nature of things in and possible with God. Because of the Gift of Desperation, I can tackle things I use to avoid like the plague and I no longer allow people, places and things to control me or run riot in my life. Because of the Gift of Desperation, I have experienced a freedom to be me I never knew and a joy I thought was only for others. Because of the Gift of Desperation, I feel right on the inside. Today, I love me and I’m learning to love others. I believe God loves me. I believe he’s teaching me how to love me more and more. Today, I believe He can use me for His good in spite of where I’ve been, who I’ve been and whatever I have done.

It’s said In These Rooms, “one day at a time.” Tomorrow, Bret, it may be time to burn some shit down. I was buying car once with my cousin. This was at a time when my heart was in a hard and dark place. I was filled with hatred, anger, evil and malice. I said to my cousin as we left that dealership “…Believe me when I say that motherfucker that just tried to rip me off is a dead man…” I might be in a different place tomorrow, Bret. I might fucking be comfortable being right back there. One day at a time, Bret. Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, I might not be able to wish some shit of that day away. Today, Bret, I’m good. Tomorrow it might be time to get ready to rumble. Today Bret, I’m thankful I have a Gift of Desperation….

Read more about X, Yalie, Fr. Esteban, the Professor, Sean Anderson and Hunter and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #GiftofDesperationMatters 

The Struggle Continues….

Misty is a 33-year-old electrical engineer. Misty describes The Big Book of Recovery In These Rooms as a family heirloom. “…I come from a family of alcoholics.” Her uncle was an alcoholic and passed the book to her grandmother. Her grandmother passed it to Misty’s mother. Misty says the book has all kinds of notes in the margins from family who have used it over the years. “…I earned my seat In These Rooms. I came by my problems with alcohol honestly. I started drinking at age 12. It helped calm my mind after being sexually assaulted by my cousin. I had three DUIs by 17 and entered my first detox center on my eighteenth birthday. I’ve been in and out of treatment centers since then. Old thinking moves me to old behaviors. I think it’s true something I heard said In These Rooms that sometimes you have to leave behind what you were born into to become what God wants of you…” 

I can relate to Misty’s Share. I was having a conversation with my life partner Lucy about family drama shit. She told me to remember “…revenge is a dish best served cold…” I told her I don’t have time for people who mean me no good. This ain’t the season for dealing with people I don’t and can’t trust. I have no bandwidth for backwards thinking or living up to other people’s expectations and that includes those of family. My focus is on maximizing my potential to get done what I can get done in this damn life before they put my black ass in the ground. I’m about living my best life and being my best version of me. That may look like family estrangement shit to some; that shit’s about Leaving Behind for me.

Step 3 of the Big Book In These Rooms states “…made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of a Higher Power as we understood this Power…”

I believe Leaving Behind is key to repurposing the shit of our past and walking in the Empowering Promises of Recovery.

“…What matters in life is not what happens to you, but what you remember and how you tell it…” –Gabriel Garcia Marquez

That means Leaving Behind in life the shit that don’t matter. That means leaving behind the people, places and things that don’t and can’t make a difference in our lives today and telling a different fucking story about what fucking does matter…

“…I come from a pretty close-knit family on the surface, Maan. That is the surface. I have learned the hard way family is one book that should not be judged by its cover. Family drama can be some of the most hurtful and painful drama. This fact is particularly true if and when money is involved…”

Sean Anderson 

“…I wonder sometimes if the blame for my being sexually abused falls at the feet of the individual perpetrator or a family who set me up for it by instilling in me the pursuit of success at all costs. It’s said in the rooms of recovery that the reason our family can push our buttons is because they helped install them. Pretty Much…” 

Yalie

“…People say blood is thicker than water. Not when them Negroes is tore up from the floor and don’t mean my black ass a bit of fucking good. Give my ass some water every day of the week and twice on Sunday when it comes to that family shit. Yea, you shall know and live the truth and the truth will help set your blackass free….”

Fr. Esteban 

“…Adventures don’t begin until we get in the forest. That first step is an act of faith…”

Mickey Hart, Grateful Dead Drummer 

The Empowering Promises of Recovery can be ours when we not only decide but act on Leaving Behind. Leaving Behind is taking the next step towards our true north. Leaving Behind is a process of learning how to trust in God in order to see a future that exceeds our dreams and only our Higher Power can purpose for us.

“…I didn’t get where I am today without learning the value and importance of Leaving Behind. I had to Leave Behind the family and friends of the community of my origins to pursue my academic dreams and aspirations. I have an advanced degree and an Ivy League Education today because I was willing and able to Leave Behind…”

The Professor 

“…I learned the hard way, and have the scars to show for it, that people, places and things closest to me don’t always mean me good. It’s said that when the enemy comes for us, he always comes to us and at us thru those closest to us. Ain’t that the damn truth…”

X

“…Every story needs a Hero. The presence of a suitable antagonist can enrich the conflict. Unfortunately, sometimes the best antagonist to enrich the conflict and move us and our story forward come from those closest to us. Sometimes they mean us the most harm and do us the dirtiest. This shit hurts but it makes for one hell of damn good story…” 

Hunter

Misty, you have the choice we all have. “…One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time…” —Andre Gide 

Get the fuck in the damn forest. That is the road less traveled. That is the uncharted course into your future. This choice requires Leaving Behind. To achieve all our Higher Power has purposed for us, we must Leave Behind that which is comfortable, convenient and custom for us. We don’t must. We have the choice to stay the fuck where we are. Leaving Behind is acknowledging the past but moving forward no matter what the fuck has gone down and despite who is or who ain’t the fuck onboard. Leaving Behind is pursuing even a glimpse of our true north. We have the choice, Misty. We can stay stuck on stupid and trapped in the familiar environs we have always known. Hunter above is right in this matter. Every story needs a hero. The hero is us from the future. The hero is us willing to go thru hell to reach our God-given potential and refusing to give up or fucking turn back. We have the choice. That’s it. Leaving Behind is a choice. It’s a powerful fucking choice. That choice is yours, Misty.

Read more about X, Yalie, Fr. Esteban, the Professor, Sean Anderson and Hunter and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #TheLeavingBehindMatters 

The Struggle Continues….

Chuck is a 38-year-old investment banker. He has been in and out of the program In These Rooms for 18 months. His third wife divorced him after she found out he was having an affair and received his 3rd DWI in the last five years. He finished rehab 6 months ago. He is facing jail time on his last DWI case after copping probation on his prior cases. His investment partners have had his back he said but he fears their support of him is wearing thin. He said they’ve had conversations about buying him out of their investment group. Chuck’s take on his situation In These Rooms was “…My fucking problem ain’t out there. It’s in me. It’s an inside job…”

Thank you, Chuck. You’re not alone. We’ve all had the experience of thinking our problems are caused by people, places, things and external causes. Real talk, none of us get to truly understanding or overcome The Inside Job without some damn work. The past In These Rooms is often described as a set up. If you see a turtle on a fence post, the one thing you know for damn sure is it didn’t get there by itself. It’s said “…our character defects are ingrained in us in childhood…”

“…I thought my problems were caused by people who didn’t look like me impacting me. I thought the man was my problem and people who looked like the man and not like me. I thought what other people thought of me was what I needed to be and become. I thought I was how I knew I looked in other people’s eyes. This is The Inside Job…”

X

“…I thought my problems were caused by the ugly things people did to me in the past. I thought my past defined me. I thought I was what I’ve done. For years, I lived in the shadow of these thoughts. This understanding and misunderstanding was life for me. I look at all this now and I can laugh. This is The Inside Job…” 

Yalie

“…I thought my problems were solved because I’ve had money. I thought the money was the key to success and happiness. I thought I would always be happy, joyous and free because of my money. I thought I had money and things. I didn’t get or think money and things had me. This is the Inside Job…” 

Sean Anderson

Step 11 of the Big Book In These Rooms states “…sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with a Higher Power as we understood this Power, praying only for knowledge of the Power’s Will for us and the power to carry that out…” What is the definition of The Inside Job? The Inside Job is the absence of an active commitment to Step 11, A Closer Walk With Thee. The Inside Job is not trusting in a High Power to show up and show out in the shit we call a life. It’s being overwhelmed by earthly powers when we have access to a Higher Power or the Highest Power when we get fucking real about our shit, our authentic lived truth, grow a pair, and have the courage to be vulnerable. The Inside Job Is regretting the past instead of trusting our Higher Power to give us the strength, direction, aspirations and visions to repurpose that shit. 

The Inside Job is believing incorrectly that people, places and things hold more value for this journey than our God-given and blessed experience, strength and hope. And we wonder why memories from the past often haunt us?

“…Way way long time ago, I use to give a damn about what others fuckin thought about me. Man, that shit was so long ago I don’t even know who the fuck that was. If I ever go down, I’m going down swinging and fuckin takin somebody’s ass with me. When the fuck they put me in the ground, it won’t be because of The Inside Job…”

Fr. Esteban 

“…The Inside Job is a powerful concept in the scope of transformation. The Inside Job is about addressing the man or woman in the mirror. I believe this work is essential to our being and becoming the children of God he created us to be and become. I understand this experience. I understand how doing this work has made a difference in my life. I understand how God has been doing for me a long time more than I can do for myself. I believe this primary understanding is why The Inside Job is an important concept to transformation…”

The Professor 

“…The Inside Job was the mosaic of my life before I came to embrace and celebrate the power of my story. The Inside Job was my life before getting with authentic truth, trusting God and the power found in vulnerability…”

Hunter

In These Rooms, it’s said ”…Feel it to heal it…” I feel yo,u Chuck. It was The Inside Job that had my as ass wallowing around in the shit of my past for years while God had so much more for me. I remember this preacher friend of mine ask me one time “…Steven, your ass had all the, money, homes, prestige and shit and your ass was still miserable and fucked up right? What does that tell you?” Today, I wouldn’t trade all that pain, misery and bullshit I let me beat me down in the past for all the tea in China. Notice I didn’t say all the money in the world. But I digress. Being in the outhouse and thinking I’m in the penthouse, that’s been The Inside Job. Not understanding that God “has been doing more for me than I can do for myself…” and has led me this way on this journey for reasons. He led me this way so I could one day be a fucking blessing to others and even see things that could help make of this world a better place. Not have a fucking clue about any of this in the past, this has been The Inside Job. 

“…Came here for my drinking. I stayed here for my thinking…” I stay In These Rooms because they have shown me how much of my life has been The Inside Job and how much more I can do, be and even become. I can become more than I ever thought possible before I came In These Rooms. Question for you, Chuck. Will you not forget to remember he has brought your ass this way in life too for a reason? Will you not forget to remember Promise 12, Chuck? “…God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves…” Will you remember this understanding is key to overcoming The Inside Job? Will you remember this, Chuck? That is the beginning of the end of The Inside Job.

Read more about X, Yalie, Fr. Esteban, the Professor, Sean Anderson and Hunter and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #TheInsideJobMatters 

The Struggle Continues….

Mike is a 33-year-old musician. He has been in the music business since age 12. He says he was strung out on crack, cocaine and did heroin while in his late teens thru his early 20’s. With his band, he cut a single at age 16. He was part of a group that did over a million dollars in royalties. He said in his In These Rooms share that none of his music success filled the hole in his soul. “…I’ve had the women, fame and the money but I’m still just a drug addict and alcoholic…I’ve done those damn steps over and fucking over. What I want to know is when will those damn promises come true in my fucking life?”

Promise 12 of the Big Book In These Rooms states “…we will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves…”

“…I am not where I want to be, Maan, but I’m not where I was. I’m still about money. My love and attachment to material and financial stuff does not completely change overnight, I know I am a work in progress. I’m learning the real meaning of progress not perfection and to take one day at a time. This work is simple but it ain’t easy.”

Sean Anderson

“…I sometimes struggle with knowing where I am going in life. I sometimes struggle with doubt about how I will get there. I’ve come along way. I have a long way to go. I glad I am where I am today.”

X

“I’m learning there is power in letting go. Sometimes I struggle with the negativity from the past and past hurts. I know this is key to being free and finding the joy of laughter but I struggle with forgiving, especially forgiving myself.” 

Yalie

Mike, you said you have worked the Steps many times. Step 12 in the Big Book of Recovery states in part “…having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps…”

“Promises. Promises. I’ve learned putting Him first is key to their materialization. That might seem like a contradiction but my Higher Power is God is all and in all. This reality includes the material aspects of life. The promises in and thru Him can also be found in all things, the material and the spiritual, the good and the bad.”

The Professor

“Promises. Promises mean I don’t let trouble or being in trouble get my ass down. Promises mean I am His and He is mine. Promises mean I don’t gotta; I get to fuckin be me. I hold to this peace in all things. The rest of that life shit will take care of itself.” 

Fr. Esteban

“Experience, strength and hope are my story and my joy today. Today, I know freedom from and freedom to. I know freedom from being in bondage to the past. I know freedom from seeing the past as a tale of victimization. I know freedom to tell my story and share my authentic lived truth without fear of man or the things of man. I know the freedom to be radically vulnerable by trusting in Him and His Promises.”

Hunter

Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of working these Steps, Mike, that’s when the book says shit goes down. That’s when we stop regretting the past. That’s when we start making something of the past and the present that is meaningful and important for the future. When will the shit happen Mike? 

When will life start to be what we always wanted and needed? When will people, places and things cease to trouble us and instead be for us the empowering blessings God has placed in our lives? Promises Promises. I can’t predict your when, Mike, but I have found and truly believe the shit happens when we acknowledge He is the source of everything good, powerful and even meaningful in my life. I’ve often heard it said In These Rooms “…God is Everything or God is Nothing…” 

When I walked out of that jail in Palm Beach Florida on another grand theft auto case, I knew not where I was going next but I trusted in God. When I was 40 years old, living with my sister and sleeping on her couch, my teenage son came to visit us. I was ashamed of the situation I was in and that my son had to see me living like that. I was ashamed to have him see me that far down. I am thankful today that even in that moment, with all the guilt, shame and remorse, I still had the understanding “…God is good. All the time…”

When do the Promises, the Promises materialize in our lives, Mike? I say when we have that spiritual awakening of Step 12 and come to realize the truth of Promise 12, “…God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves…” This is when the Promises, the Promises happen, Mike. Sorry Bro. Then and not Before.

Read more about X, Yalie, Fr. Esteban, the Professor, Sean Anderson and Hunter and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #PromisesMatters 

The Struggle Continues….

Scott is a 39-year-old architect. When he was eighteen, he and a friend were high and intoxicated. They committed an armed robbery and the store owner was shot. The bullet shattered his spine. He was paralyzed and today is a paraplegic. Scott did a 5-10 year stretch and was released at age 25. He finished high school thru a GED Program and went on to college. He earned dual Bachelor of Science Degrees in Computer Science and Architecture. He a has been coming In These Rooms for the past 10 years and working the steps. He regrets his involvement in that crime and what happened to that man. He said he has tried to make amends to this man for what happened but the man has rejected his efforts to make contact with him and amends here are technically a violation of his parole. In his share today, he also stated “…I’m learning self-care and how to love myself. I like the guy looking back in the mirror these days…”

Step 4 of the Big Book In These Rooms states “…made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves…”

“…In the Mirror, I see who I am thru the hurt, pain and trauma of the past. In The Mirror, I see how they have troubled me. In The Mirror, the BS falls away and I must get real about the real me. In The Mirror, I learning to live…”

X

“…In The Mirror, I like, no I love me some me. In The Mirror, I love what I see and the man lookin back at me. In The Mirror, that badass I am shines the brightest…” 

Fr. Esteban

“…In The Mirror, I see how materialistic concerns have consumed my interest and attention. In The Mirror, I am honestly able to look me in the eyes and be real about who’s looking back. I learning to like who and what I see In The Mirror. In The Mirror, I have found a new lease on life. I like what I am seeing today In The Mirror…” 

Sean Anderson

The man you hurt, Scott, won’t hear from you but others might. You been working the step for 10 years. What about step 12 that states “…having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts and the world and to practice these principles in all our affairs?”

“…In The Mirror, I see hope and possibilities. In The Mirror, I see how blessed I am. Yes, my life has challenges, difficulties and conflicts. I am human and this is all a part of the human condition. This includes me. In The Mirror, I see who I am not just in my eyes but more importantly in God’s Eyes. In The Mirror, I see I have more than just a default future based on the past. In The Mirror, I see I have a powerful future. In The Mirror, I see a future that can be a way of living and a way of life if I keep my hand in God’s Hand. I see all this In The Mirror…”

The Professor 

“…In the Mirror, I’ve found a story in the looking glass the world needs to hear. In The Mirror, I see what matters is not where I’ve been and what’s happened to me. In The Mirror, I see what matters is my experience, strength and hope. What matters in my life is what I remember and the story I tell about it. I’ve learned this In The Mirror…” 

Hunter

“…In The Mirror, I have found healing for my soul. In The Mirror, I find the freedom to live happy, joyous and free. In The Mirror, I have found a peace that is greater than any pain, problem or person. In The Mirror, there is a joy I have found the world didn’t give me and the world can’t take away. Not even the man who molested me…”

Yalie 

Yes, regret can be of some value Scott. But, what of a God who is able to use you and your experience to share the story of this man In The Mirror with the world? Dealing with stuff about the man you hurt is some good shit and important on a personal level. But can you imagine God could possibly use your experience, you the man In The Mirror, to show others a freedom and power the world could never show them? Instead of telling others to do as I say but not as I did, can you imagine a God who allowed you and your shit In The Mirror to be the experience the world needs to see and hear to believe great things are possible in and for their lives too? Scott, can you imagine in the hell you been thru God has been molding you to be something His children want and need to see to believe in Him and thru stories like yours all things are indeed possible? That man with all this possibility Scott is the man In The Mirror. That man is you, Scott.

Read more about X, Yalie, Fr. Esteban, the Professor, Sean Anderson and Hunter and tell your story. Listen to Hunter’s Podcast. All on wreckedamerica.com. In Wrecked America, #InTheMirrorMatters 

The Struggle Continues….