I admitted my life had become unmanageable. Life being unmanageable was the noise in my head at deafening decibels and my Cast of Characters (C of C’s) running riot. Doing the step work of recovery helped turn down the volume on the noise in the world in my head.
The work of recovery requires vulnerability to turn down this volume. It simultaneously turns up the heat on my C of C’s. This vulnerability stuff requires dealing with the ugly facts and difficult truths of my life. I’d rather not focus here for fear of compromise with my addictive behaviors but there is power in the vulnerability of my heart and soul, not just my head. Just turning down the noise in my head ain’t cutting it.
The power of this dangerous vulnerability is our capacity to turn up the heat on our (C of C’s) by paying attention to their cries and pain. These voices are the manifested pain of inner characters that are too big for the small roles in our lives we ask them to play. This is the constricted pain of these characters trying to adjust to playing their small roles and parts in our lives:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Marianne Williamson
I wonder why with Fr. Esteban, Yalie, X, Hunter, and, yes, the Professor running riot, my addictive behaviors are unrelenting. These characters manifest the pain of playing it small in my life when they possess the power to move the world. Go figure. The Struggle Continues…
